Thursday, October 26, 2006

My heart aches, I physically feel the hurt. I cried on my way home yesterday (after I talked to my husband on the phone) and I cried last night. It took everything I had to hold the tears back everytime my husband said I love you. Which was alot because he's feeling guilty. So I heard him talking to my Dad on the phone Tuesday night and I heard his say he'll be on 2nd shift. So, we talked about it very very briefly because I'm in denial and if I don't talk about it then it won't happen right? Well all the promises they made about how they weren't going to let anyone bump him blah blah blah apparently were big fat lies just to get him to stay. So now they let two people bump him on 1st which made him go to 2nd w/ Thurs Fri off and now he got bumped from that with Wed Thurs off. So I am really really really (did I say really) upset. He could work 3rd but he hates that shift. So what I hear is - my happiness is more important to me than my family - I expect you and Tucker to make all the sacrifices here and I'm going to make none. I'm going to do what I want when I want and my happiness is all that matters. That's what I hear by him not being willing to compromise and stay on 3rd shift. See on 2nd shift he'll work 3-11. So, he'll be in bed when I leave for work, when I get home from work he'll be gone and I'll be in bed when he gets home from work. So, I will be a single parent taking care of Tucker all by myself. I will no longer have someone to watch him in the evenings so I can do fun things like joy fellowship or go to scrap book crops or anything else in the evening. Tim keeps trying to justify it by saying "but this way you won't have to deal with me being grumpy when I get up, you won't have to tip toe around the house while I sleep in the evening and you can have people over now". WHATEVER! If he chooses to believe that big fat lie than whatever. So anyways... I was sad driving home yesterday thinking about it and I was trying to just sing my praise and worship and Tim called. Tucker got in trouble on the bus for spitting yesterday (man where does this crap come from). So he was on his way to the shcool to have a meeting with Tucker, the bus driver and the principal. Then I cried. Lord I can't take anymore of this. I can't handle anymore. I can't have one more person tell me how bad my kid is, I can't handle him alone in the evenings. I can't do this!!! And inthe same breath to calm myself down I'm praying Lord I trust you, I have to trust that I am exactly where you need me to be at this moment. I mean, I don't know what else to do or say. I feel like I am so out of control (and yes I am a bit of a control freak). I can't control how my kid behaves when I'm not there, I can't control the choices my husband makes, I can't control where or when my husband works.
For all you people who rush into a relationship STOP!!! SLOW DOWN!!! Tim and I met in Nov and we talked on the phone and saw each other for a few minutes on Sat. night at the bar I waitressed in, he moved in in January and we got married in August even though I wasn't sure I really wanted to. I don't know why I do these stupid things, I let people pressure me and Tim did pressure about how often we saw each other and about getting married. I wish (and yes blogger world I really mean it) I wish we never would've gotten married. We have nothing in common, I can't talk to him like a friend because he's so harsh and judgmental, he's boring, and all he cares about are himself and Tucker. I'm not happy. I'm bored out of my mind. I mean I like to play games, like a game of skip-bo or uno or have another couple come over and play euchre. But no, he doesn't like to play games so he doesn't play EVVER. Not even to make me happy. We went to the pumpkin farm last night with the church and Tucker had a great time. When we got home Tim was saying he had a good time, and I said hope you did because it's your last. He said what do you mean, I said welp, you chose 2nd shift and so now you can't coach T-ball, go to b-ball games, soccer games, church functions. It's all out. You have just walked away from your position in this family. And I really really REALLY hope that cut right to heart. I hope it hurt him so deep he can't recover from it. I know - it's not supposed to be eye for an eye. But I'm angry and bitter. I just want him to pack his stuff and go away. Never ever see him again and be gone. Tucker would miss him terribly but I wouldn't. It's not like he's been around all that much anyways. I was looking foward to finally having him around, to finally being a family, to be able to say hey, lets run to the big city and go shopping spurr of the moment. But nope, he has this ridiculous power trip he's on and want to play cops and robbers.
WHATEVER! Women out there - don't EVER EVER EVER date or marry a cop. Your life will be miserable and you will be alone all the time.
I hate him for this, I resent him for this, I won't forgive him for this.
Don't comment on this because I already know...
I have to vent somewhere and here it is.
OOOOOOOOOO I just F*cking hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him once when he first started this job I hope he got shot. I never really quit wishing that. I mean my life would be so easy if he did die. Sell his stuff, put him in the ground and walk away from the cementary and never look back. Just move on. Go on with life. I mean what would be different? I wouldn't have anybody to call and wake up everyday (isn't that ridiculous that I have to wake a grown man up like a child) Iwouldn't have to cook beef for every meal, I wouldn't have to be afraid that I did something wrong and get called every name in the book, I mean my life would actually be better w/o him. God I am so bitter!


Kristi K. said...

I am so sorry....

PJ said...

Oh Holli. I am so sorry about Tim's job. You were so elated just a short time ago and now it's all gone wrong. It feels like a roller coaster ride. And all that bitterness keeps getting pushed down and then it comes up again. It's always there just under the surface; sometimes you can keep it at bay but other times, like now, you're back is up against the wall.

You feel stuck, like there's no way out. You feel invalidated, like your feelings, wants and needs don't matter and continue to go unmet because he doesn't want to help out or meet halfway. you don't have a say in your own life and happiness.

well really, that's how I feel in my own marriage. I shouldn't speak for you. But if you do feel any of that, then I get it. And I'm really sorry. I'll be praying.

Holli said...

Oh that is exactly what I feel! Only you put it so eloquently! Wish I could write like you guys do!
Thanks I desperately need your prayers!