Saturday, September 30, 2006

Oooohhhh, today is Sat. a day I should be looking forward to. But I had to go to the grocery. I so hate going there. I do go at like 7:30 8:00 in the morning to avoid the people. You know... the older I get the more I think I have more signs of the anxiety disorder. Where I don't like to leave the house. I hate crowds, I hate fairs, amusement parks, concerts. I didn't mind those places when I was young but the older I get the harder it gets to leave my house. If I dwell on where I have to go the more anxious and angry I get about having to go there. Maybe I should seek help... uh just a thought. Ok, so I totally went off my mind path. I'm a sag so therefore I cannot keep one train of thought. My blog will be hard to read because I will jump from thought to thought and then back again w/o warning.
My hubby and I have been having serious discussions. I told him I regretted marrying him. Unfortunately that was the truth. Everything he wanted in the beginning he no longer wants. He wanted to work a 9-5 job, wanted to be a family man, he promised he no longer wanted to be a cop, he wanted another child and he wanted to raise his family in church. Now - all of that has turned out to be a big fat lie. I'm trying not to be angry or bitter. I'm trying to be logical and realistic not emotional. He says - " I got to church". I told him Wed night wasn't enough. I wanted him involved in church. Just going isn't enough. I don't want a divorce... I will not uproot my child and my life and my belongings again. I've been there before and I won't do it again. I've been there twice now and this is my final resting place. Where I am - I am. I love my brand new house, and my brand new furniture. I just for the 1st time in my life have no hand me downs in my house. Everything is bought and paid for by me (us). He keeps trying to convince me why I should give him my blessing for him to continue to be a cop and not just that but on 2nd shift of all shifts. I would never ever see him. We would go days w/o seeing each other, literally. I can't live like that, I am needy if you want to call it that. I need to talk to my spouse at night, I need to cook dinner together, do dishes, bathtime and bedtime, ballgames and pratices. *note there was more to this blog alot more but I got an error and now I can't remember what all I said and I have a serious cramp in my hand* so anways UGH!

Friday, September 29, 2006

Okay, so I've been snooping in on your blogs for months now. I have fallen in love with you all. Sooooo, that being said I thought I ought to post my own. I do have a site on Family Routes with pics of boy and things about his life. That site is really for family to keep intouch with Tucker's life.
So, I am 34 yrs old. I live in OH. Kris introduced me out here and to all of you. She and I grew up together - lost touch for lots of years and then were reconnected through a mutual friend. Anyways... I have worked for contractor for the gov. for 14 yrs. My son will be 6 in Jan. He is my life. My husband and I have been married for 3 yrs. Let me tell you... if not for God we'd be divorced - not that we won't end up that way anyway! He was a cop many years ago. When I met him he was working somewhere else totally non-law-enforcement related. He had mentioned he used to be a cop and I said nope, don't wanna date you. He assured me he didn't want to be a cop again. So.... 8 mths later (yep we moved really fast - I wouldn't suggest it for anyone else) two weeks before we were married, I asked him, are you SURE you don't want to be a cop ever again. He said yep, I said really Tim I need to know because we really need to discuss the marriage if you think you might. He said nope, never again. Weeeeelllll, one year later he started at the sheriff dept!! Yep, you heard me right! Well, he had started talking about how he wanted to do it on a volunteer basis just one Sat a month. I bulked... (we are both WAY strong willed and bullheaded). Well, I was newly trying to be a Christian - a real one! So I prayed about it. Then one day driving down the road minding my very own business, God interupts my perfect life. He said - Holli this is my will for Tim, give him your blessing. You know your marriage will be rewarded and I will give you the strength to cope. So, I did I gave him my blessings. Well, he's now full time on the sherrif dept and has been for over a year now. Works 3rd shift and he's miserable which in turn makes TK and I miserable! So, now we're at an impass. He has been offered a 1st shift job in the finacial world (the same type of bus. he was in before). He loves his job but hates 3rd shift. I hate his job and 3rd shift. He loved 2nd shift and could possibly go to 2nds, however, I told him I WOULD NOT COULD NOT do that again. If I'm going to be a single parent everyday then I was going to be out having a good time doing it. So, he is torn. He wants to be in law enforcement but he wants to be with TK and I. He wants to go to games and practices. So that's the drama in my current life. That and my poor kid is still full of poop and was up all night crying because he's in pain. Being a mom is hard!
And... I took these incredible pictures last night of the sunset in the rain from my deck. GORGEOUS! However, it took me weeks to even figure out how to post so it'll probably take me weeks to figure out how to post pics! Oh my! Happy Friday to you all!