Thursday, September 27, 2007

God as always, comes along and picks me up and makes me feel better.
Sunday morning in church it's like every song played was just for me. Every verse spoke was just for me... it's amazing how He does that.
He came along and gave me peace. I also had to humble myself before him. I have to sacrifice my dreams and let them go. For they are no longer my dreams but the Lords' dreams for me. It's no longer about what I want and my own selfishness it's about what the Lord wants for me. And I DO want what the Lord wants for me - I just don't it know it yet! :-)
So, I am doing better and feeling better. Thanks for your love and hugs and prayers. You guys are awesome!
Not that I don't still want those things... my flesh self does. My spiritual self says - when the Lord is ready for me to have them then I will have them.
But with my new life as a christian I have to have new dreams and be open and willing to accept the blessings the Lord has for me. Blessings that i don't even know I want yet! He's so awesome and I praise Him today for His tendermercies and His never ending love! Trust me if God can love stubborn hard headed me - He can surely love you!!!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Something I’ve discovered:

You know, I don’t know if men,when they are little boys have this vision of what their life will be like when they are adults.
But me (and maybe it’s just me and not all women) I have had a vision of what my adult life would be like. The family, the evenings, the sporting events, the everyday life. I have dreamed about it all my life! And let me tell you, I am SO disappointed.
It’s nothing like I dreamed it would be. Now, I didn’t dream big, I didn’t dream unrealistically. I dreamt (and dream) of a normal life. Husband, wife, two kids, and a dog. Evenings spent taking family bike rides and walks. Going together to sporting practices and games. Running errands in the evenings. Spur of the moment lets go get ice cream moments. Ya’ know? Just real typical and maybe real boring to some. All I ever wanted was average.
I’ve never had just average. (oh I’m trying not cry as I write this!) My first marriage was to a pot head, drum playing, hippie. All we did was party and hang out. His friends were more important than me and I as a 21 yr old thought that as soon as we were married we’d be my parents (who were no one to look up to mind you). Obviously now that I look back, that was unrealistic. There are days I wish I would’ve stayed in that relationship and allowed both of us to grow up. I do believe he would’ve eventually grown up. But again, maybe that is wishful thinking.
The next relationship – wow that was even more warped than the first! I won’t go into full details but I will say- I was running away from a lot of past hurts. I finally had a place where I was accepted and felt part of a group. (I didn’t fit in w/ my 1st husbands group of friends because I was and am very anti-drug I just drank a lot). Of course that relationship was very unhealthy and very co-dependant and wow, wrong for so very many reasons. So, my relationship now… I thought this one was going to be it. He said all the right things, wanted to be a family man, wanted to work 9-5, wanted a kid, wanted to raise his family in church. Well… hindsight will get ya’ everytime. I didn’t marry him for who he was, I married him for the ideas he represented to me. All the same things I wanted he wanted…so it had to work right?! WRONG! He’s now “changed his mind” on ALL of those things. So, now I’m left in a place of loneliness again. In this “lost in space” feeling. I have no where I belong. I have had this dream my whole life and now I have to tell it goodbye. I have to tell it that it’s never going to happen. It’s like loosing a best friend to cancer. The cancer has eaten at this dream over and over again for the past 17 years (since I’ve been on my own) and finally the cancer has taken it from you. It’s hard to say goodbye to something I’ve held so close and prayed for for so very long. But, if I let it go I’ll can’t be heartbroken anymore right? Okay, so that’s not going to happen but if I let it go maybe some of the hurt will stop.
I have a great life, don’t get me wrong. But something is missing, something doesn’t feel right, I feel empty every evening. I’m so tired of feeling this empty space every night. A child isn’t going to fill it alone. It’ll help but unless the rest of the dream comes with it I’m still a woman home alone every night with two kids instead of one. I don’t know…
I’m so weary… my soul is weary. I pray, I spend time in the Word everyday, I am involved in the church and a lot of goings on there, it’s not that part that is missing. That part of the dream is fulfilled. It’s the family part, it’s the part of having my best friend and husband there to share it all with and to want it all as much as I do.
I just feel so very sad.
Thanks for letting me spill it all out here …tears and all. I have no where else to spill it to!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Yes, I know... it's been a long time.
I really haven't had anything to say! Life has been great. I have nothing to vent about... praise God!
My panoramic roof it fixed. They gave me a mini-van to drive. Uh... like how do people drive those? They'll barely do 80 mph... I wouldn't dare try to pass anyone in one and unless you have popped out 5.5 kids why would you want one? I'm such a speed demon that I couldn't drive one ...ever!
I was so glad to get my car back!
I took Tucker shopping tonight, he's decided that he needs to wear boxers now so I had to go buy some (they had to have skateboarders on them) and I bought his some new clothes (had to have skateboarders on them) and a winter coat... he had to pick the orange and black one for the Bengals (OOOOOO YUCK)!
I'm going to tell everyone that it's for the Wilmington Hurricanes (our colors are orange and black also). I couldn't face the public to tell them my child is a bungles fan! GO DALLAS COWBOYS!!! WWOOO__HOOO!!!
Okay. So we're past that... church is fantastic... alot of things are really starting to change and grow and the Holy Spirit is like WAY evident! That is so exciting!
The Close to My Heart business... wow... so here is a give you goosebumps story... I went to one of my downlines open house Sat to help her out. Well while there I said man, I really need business in Wilmington! So, in the car on the way home (my wet car I might add) I said to the Lord, I really need business in Wilmington... I didn't really pray it... I just said it to him. I come home and check my voicemail WELL... (disclosure GOD IS GOOD) I had a msg from a lady at Proverbs31 gifts that my order was wrong... I call her back and we get on scrapbooking... she's a HUGE scrapbooker and they have a crop every month at her church and she wants to see my stuff and have a party! As if that wasn't cool enough... I check my email first thing Sunday morning and there is a msg from a woman in the next town who ran across CTMH on the web did a find me a consultant search and I came up and she has booked a party for the 12th of Oct. NOW! As if THAT wasn't enough... I get an email tonight from a CTMH Jr Consultant looking for a friend... she's new to the area and thought about resigning from CTMH. Man oh man... my head is spinning! Now don't tell me that Lord isn't real! Cause I'm gonna tell ya that He's REAL - REAL GOOD!
First grade is going well - shew!
Work is work... it's going well as far as work goes.
The marriage you ask? ey... it's a marriage.... actually, I'm trying to work on my attitude. I've got to make the best of it and trust that it will change. God has sent some wonderful people in our lives and I know that they are starting to impact Tim's life and I see some changes already. Evidence again of the Lord.
As the old hymn says... I have proved you over and over!
Welp, that's my life... bore bore bore to everyone else.
I am planning to get a semi-reunion together of some of my old friends from when I was 15 and younger. Going to plan that for sometime in Oct.
I am looking forward to that!! Kris - you are more than welcome to help me plan it and give me any address' that you have. I'm going to handmake the invites.
Oh! Check out my friends blog... she talks as if her baby does the talking... it's hysterical!!