Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Wish I would've thought to write that!
It's Wednesday - a mundane week. Absolutely nothing happening. Get up go to work, go home, hang with the kid who's been pretty grouchy (still recovering from being sick), go to bed and do it all over again.
Although my husband is off tonight and tomorrow so I'm sure something will happen for me to blog about!
Our pastor did call us and he and his wife would like to counsel us if we'd let them. I think it's a fabulous idea however I'm not sure if I can get my husband to do it. We'll see.
I'm just not sure that we haven't crossed that point of no return. You know things are said and they can't ever be taken back. For example (and this is a stupid example) Tim has always told me that his dad is his beneficiary of his life ins. policy. Uh hello!? What am I supposed to do about your bills? Well, then if front of people he'll say it was a joke but then tell me again and again that it's true. SO at this point I have NO idea what to believe, I would have to see the paperwork to truly believe anything he said about it from this point. See what I mean - stupid... so now make that into something serious or something deragatory about me. I just don't know that I can ever move on or get past some things that have been said even if they were in anger. I don't know, I guess that's what counseling is for right?

Monday, January 29, 2007

It's Monday and it's down right, no one should have to be out cold! It was 12 when I left the house this morning. 12 man that's so inhumane!
But anyways, we (I) had Tucker's birthday party Saturday. It was GREAT FUN! He really had a blast and the best part (for me anyway) was the silly string fight in the garage. I think we used like 10 cans of silly string between 4 people. The boys LOVED it! It was a huge success and I am so glad that only 4 boys came out of the 8. The cake is out of my house and the cupcakes are out of my house and I am SO glad that it's all gone!
HOWEVER, even with all the cake I have lost 3 lbs. 1 lb a week is the average. That is a very safe way that would put me at my goal by the end of June... bikini season! I feel good about myself, I feel confident, I feel physically very strong. For the first time in a long time I feel good about how I look. I've only lost 3 lbs but I don't know about inches. My clothes are fitting better and I'm looking slimmer.
My marriage is being attacked yet again. I won't bore you with the gory details. I'm not sure in which direction this is going to go yet. I'm just going to remain prayerful. My friend here at work and I prayed together last night and got together today and prayed for our husbands. I believe in the power of God. Whether my marriage stays together or not I will trust the Lord.
Here's to a quiet and peaceful week to you all (I pray)!

Friday, January 26, 2007

I really don't have much to say today. We had Tucker's "old people party" as he called it. The grandparents came over for cake and ice cream. I wanted to have a seperate party for them because when his friends are around the grandparents don't get any attention at all!
I do love Tim's dad! Tim broke the news about his 'supposed' daughter. His dad was madder than all get out! He told Tim to leave it alone, leave it in the past and don't ruin the family you've got now and how that woman was a nothing but trash and a troublemaker and how she just about ruined Tim's life before and how she would destroy this family and on and on.
Aaaahhh... THANKS DAD!
Actually, Tim was supposed to call her last night and he did not. She wouldn't agree to the test so I guess that's that (for now). I'm sure it'll come up again in 6 months to a year and I need to be very careful not to get comfortable with the idea of her not being around.
Tim and his mom brought up something that NEVER crossed my mind. How the first time that little girl came home with a bruise she'd have us investigated for abuse and so forth. I guess she's that crazy (from what Tim's family says). I said OH! I never thought of that... oh yeah, that's not happening here in my reality. This is my life and no one AND I MEAN NO ONE will destroy what God has built and brought together. So perhaps this child is not meant to be. I've looked at it as God was trying to bring her into our life...but maybe I was looking at it wrong. Perhaps the enemy is trying to bring her in our lives to destroy us and God is protecting us by making it not possible each time. I mean each time, we've been willing but we are met with oppostion from the mothers side. I trust my God.
Have a wonderful and blessed weekend.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A site I just ran across through several different blogs. OMG - this had tears down my cheeks and my gut hurts from laughing!
Definately a site I'm gonna keep checking in on!

I can't believe you are six years old. How did that happen? How did you go from the 20" baby in my arms to the boy who comes to my chest in a blink?
You are the coolest kid I know. You have loads and loads of energy and you are a wild wild boy! I wouldn't want you any other way!! When I was pregnant with you I said I wanted a mischevious, jock, bully of a boy. And WOW did I get it! You are all boy and you are so fun!
I went into the hospital with you on a Tuesday the 23rd. My water broke after a VERY long day at 4:30 on the 24th. You were finally born at 7:27am on the 25th! I had two nurses both with their knees on and in my stomach, Aunt Holly pulling on one knee, Aunt Mindy pulling on the other knee, Mimi pushing on one shoulder, Nae pushing on the other shoulder and FINALLY got you out. If delivery is a sign of the child man I should've seen the stubborn streak coming! You have one 5 miles long!
Your eyes are the neatest most expressive eyes. They sparkle when you are happy and I swear I literally see sparks in them when you are about to do something rotten. They turn dark and brooding when you are angry.
You will never know how you saved my life! Once I had you, I realized I had a little soul that I was responsible for. Because of you, I came back home to the Lord. I will forever be grateful for you.
I love that I am still your favorite playmate. I am going to bask in it for as long as you will let me. I love you Tucker Kian, you complete me!
I can't wait to see you grow, and see what you learn this next year.
This year from 5-6 I saw:
You learn to swim on your own, your first sleepover, your first day of school, your first bus ride, your first T-ball team, first soccer team, first basketball team, your first best friend, you learned to ride a bike, you grew like 4 inches, you learned how to ride a 4 wheeler (and how to wreck one haha) you learned how to control your impulses, how to have empathy for others, how to sound out words, how to add and subtract and so so much more. What an amazing year it's been!
Mommy loves you baby!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The snow is melting YEAH! Tucker wasn't very happy because he didn't get to make a snowman. I know I'm a bad mommy because I wouldn't play in the snow with him. I'm comfortable with that. LOL!!
I put Tucker to bed at 8:15 last night, laid down to snuggle with him for about 5 min like I usually do and woke up 30 minutes later! So, I got up went to my bed and was right back out. Apparently we were tired!
So, my kid took a pair of dracula teeth from halloween ripped the bottom off, and came out with just the top ones on, arms crossed saying "So, how do you like me now"? HYSTERICAL! He has just watched Just Jordan on Disney so he was pretending those were his grill. OH FUNNY! My kid thinks he is soooo cool (which to me of course he is) but you can't help but laugh when he tries to dance (poor little white boy) and act like a rapper and he does this strut when he walks when he's trying to be cool that'll have you falling out of your seat!
I swear I love the phase we're in right now. He is so much fun!I try to enjoy everyday while it lasts. I know I'll blink and he'll be a teenager who thinks I'm the most uncool person in the world. I dread those days!
This is going to be a busy week. I had a chiropractor appt last night, tonight is Tucker's teams last basketball game (he can't play due to the mono) but I want to go and cheer them on. Tomorrow is church, Thursday I'm leaving early to take cupcakes for Tucker's b-day to school, then go home and bake a cake for the grandparents to come over, Friday clean my house after work, Sat is his b-day party 8 boys and my husband will be at work. I don't know what I was thinking. However, I haven't heard from anyone so I don't know that anyone is coming... he will be DEVASTATED! Sunday I'm coloring a friends hair. So, busy busy busy. But I like being busy!
For my gym friends: got to and down at the bottom click on Bob Harper. There is some good information there. I LOVE him!!! I wish I could afford to fly him here so he could be my personal trainer. He is such a great motivator. However, I must say, I am doing a very good job of motivating myself lately. God truly placed in me a new found strength and motivation when it comes to food and the gym. I knew I'd be having cake Thursday so I passed on a piece yesterday. CAKE IS MY DOWNFALL! And I passed it and never gave it another thought. YES! SUCCESS is at hand! :-) Another great site is it has a TON of excercises you can do. I've also been recording a few cardio shows on the DVR from fittv so I can do them when I get home. So I do my weights and knees (PT) at the gym and my cardio at home. I had a guy come up to me at the gym yesterday and ask so, how much you trying to lose? I said I'd like to lose 20. He said don't lose to much you look great now and he walked away. OH YEAH BABY!! I'M HOT!! NOOOOOOOTTTT!!!!! I'm totally cracking up right now. Hey, it boosted me for a few minutes I'll admit. Made me suck in my gut just a little bit more. LOL!
Hey - you all have a great day. 1 down 4 to go. And Neice are you out there? I want to know that you are doing okay!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

I hate the weekends. They are so lonely!

My husband doesn't get up, I don't have any friends close by so I sit here all day Saturday and all day Sunday. I didn't go to church today because I didn't want to get out into the snow. Tim didn't get up until 12:00 or 12:30 (granted he worked 3rd Friday and had to be back up at 12:30 Sat to go back into work). Still I hate sitting here w/ no one to talk to.

It makes me want to smoke. Smoking gave me something to do. I had a purpose for getting off of the couch. I know sounds ridiculous!

The only time I've been out of the house this weekend was to grocery shop yesterday morning about 7 am.

I hate snow, I hate cold and I dread getting out in it tomorrow morning. I wish I were a bear. I'd like to sleep through winter and there's a few people I'd like to eat right about now! LOL!!!

Here's a pic of my baby making a snow angel!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Ohhh this is all so Jerry Springer! I can't believe my life has turned into a Maury Povich show!
So, my husband called his ex girlfriend to see what she had to say about what we proposed last Thursday (regarding paternity test). Now I know why he called her psycho-slut all these years!
She said no, she doesn't want a paternity test done right now. She said I'm not saying we won't do it down the road just not right now. I said why would we waste our time with this child to find out that she isn't Tim's?! Waste was the wrong term she got pissed and my daughter is not a waste of time (huf huf huf)... well guess what sweetie YES SHE IS IF SHE ISN'T HIS DAUGHTER!!!! Just because you love her doesn't mean everyone wants to love her. What a freaking idiot! She said she spoke to her attorney and he said since she's not asking us for any money or anything at all other than spend time with this little girl that a test wasn't needed. (uh, hey, did you tell your attorney that you sat in a court of law and said you didn't know who the father was - gee I bet you left that part out DUH)! And get this! She even told my husband she knew and understood where I was coming from because her soon to be ex husband had went through this and had some ex saying her kid was his. They did a paternity test and found out it wasn't his! She said she wouldn't be "putting her daughter through this" if she wasn't 100% sure. Well, it's not fair for her to walk around 100% sure, Tim to walk around 80% sure and me walk around 50% sure! No, we all need to be on the same page. I explained that it was a home kit, that it would not stand up in the court of law, that she the mother would take a q-tip and rub it in the childs mouth and put it in an envelope and mail it off. That's it, no drama. I prefer no drama in my life! I can't handle all of this drama. So when we hung up the phone I said that's it - we're done. No more. My husband of course is willing to play whatever BS game she's wanting to play. If this is a control thing - she'll lose. See, I have total control of myself. I have the control to get up and walk away - period. I don't play games. So Tim says she wants us all to sit down together and talk w/o the little girl. I said why?! There is nothing to talk about. I don't care about your past with her, I don't care who did what to who, I don't want to or need to know. She needs to know that you want to spend as much time as possible with your daughter and we need to know before we invest our hearts, gas, time, money on gifts, setting up a college fund, IF she is indeed your daughter! DUH! Quit being a fool dude! He keeps saying "she has my eyes". Guess what,? Everyone thinks Tucker is your son - why - because he has your eyes! That doesn't mean crap to me! I want to see it on paper. Now because I'm trying to be a christian about this and I'm trying to be the supportive wife (he makes it SOOOOOO hard, harder than he'll ever know) I might (GREAT BIG MIGHT) meet with this crazy, psycho, piece of crap for a mother woman and let Tim make a fool of himself some more while he begs and pleads to spend time with this girl. I told him - we will not SEE, TOUCH, SMELL, TALK TO this child till this test is done. Then I said, I'll tell ya what, we'll all meet up you take her potty and you swab her mouth and the mother doesn't have to know anything about it! He didn't go for that idea - BECAUSE HE'S A FOOL!!!! I swear, I went to bed heart pounding, muscles so tight they ache today, my head was throbbing and I couldn't sleep. I am sooooo tired of this going on and on and on.
Tim doesn't understand why I am so dead set against this. Oh here let me explain
Me: Hey Tucker let me talk to you. You know that little sister you've wanted. Well 5 years later here she is.
TK: Who is she, is she in your tummy, how'd you get her?
ME: Your dad slept with a whore right before we met and he got her prego. She wouldn't let him see her all these years
TK: WOW - cool
several months later after he's growing attached she finally says lets have this test done
ME: Oh sorry, we lied
TK: WHAT you mean she isn't my sister now
ME: Yep, you never get to see her again. She's not daddy's little girl after all, she's someone else's.
I'm sorry that is all so warped!!!!!!!! I can't believe this is my life! I never in a million years thought I'd be wrapped in this kind of drama. This is so white, trailer trash! I mean really, I can't get over the shock. This makes my stomach turn.
I had to pray (I mean PRAY) last night when talking to her and when he was talking to her to remain calm. I had to pray to get to sleep. I'm praying now to remain calm. I praise God for his wonderful world and I praise him that this is not personally my drama but my husband's. I praise him that my child has no other "parent" to pop up in his life. I praise God that He is helping me use restraint and that He is trying so very hard to fill me with peace. I know and trust Him for this isane situation to be worked out according to His will. Please be in prayer for me family. Thanks and happy Friday!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Aaaah, Thursday, almost Friday... I think I'm gonna make it!
Tucker is back to school and mostly recovered (thanks be to God)! I am so glad that this didn't drag on for 4 weeks!
I had to go to the chiropractor yesterday and I had a severe kink inbetween my shoulder blades and into my neck. I wasn't able to turn to the left. I called my husband and said please you have to go with me, I'm petrified. You see, I haven't been to a chiropractor in over a year. I was going, for two years. I had severe back problems, I was in horrible pain. It only got worse over the two years. I finally got tired of going twice a month or more. Went to physical therapy where I ended up in even more pain. The worst pain I've ever been in in my life! So finally an MRI was done and I was sent to an orthopedic surgeon. I had a herniated disc (L5) and something (I don't remember what they called it) in my L4 and something in my SI joint. So... what I have is inoperable. So we did a set of 3 steroid injections. Something I don't ever wish on my worst enemy but they helped! Which most people say they don't but they did help me but I truly believe it was the prayer and the laying of hands that brought my healing from God. So anyways... back to my story... that is why I'm terrified. It has taken me a year to get my back to the point that I can run again and lift fairly heavy weights when working out and I don't ever ever want to be in that place again. So he did adjust my mid back and neck and I feel so much better today. I do have to go back Friday so he can finish my neck but that'll be that. I will not fall into the trap of going all the time. And I don't care if he says it's okay to adjust my lower back, I say no it's not! It will adjust itself naturally with excercise and stretching.
But the point of my story (I'm having trouble focusing today) is that my husband went with me and gave me support. We finally got home at 6:00 and ordered pizza and we actually got to sit at the table and eat as a family. We spent time together. He gave Tuck a bath for me so I could relax and rest my neck with ice. It was great evening. It's been a great couple of days. The Lord is still working on me and filling me with a renewed sense of love for my husband and I praise Him for it. I am truly filled with the joy of the Lord. I head today that those of us that suffer here on earth will be rewarded in heaven for those sufferings. So we are to rejoice through our sufferings because with each sorrow Jesus is building our mansion. Isn't that a wonderful way to look at our sorrows and sufferings? I pray for each of you today, Neicey I pray for you and for peace and for the ability to no longer live in fear, and for your protection. Kris, I pray for your new found motivation and for healing in your body. Pat, I pray for continued success and joy and for peace in your busy house and healing in your shoulder. I also pray your faith in the Lord will be restored. Emmie, I pray that I can learn from your posts about friendship! Thanks to you all. Have a truly blessed day!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Good morning! Yesterday was a holiday for me and it was needed. Tucker has recovered nicely (and quickly) from the strep and mono thanks to prayer. He was wound for sound yesterday and we were both sick of staying inside! We ran to Burger King and had lunch yesterday, it was his first time eating there. I'm not sure he was impressed but he just HAAAAAd to have a football king bobblehead. WHAT-EVER! I didn't care it got us out of the house.
I hope he does well in school today. I don't know if it's just my kid or what but he gets aggressive and a tad grouchy when he's healing. I am praying he has a great day in school. I'm also anxious to see if (due to mono) he's wiped out when he gets home.
So that's my weekend... sat around with a sick kid. I did get to run to church Sunday morning because I had nursery duty so my hubby stayed w/ Tk. (by the way... TK is for Tucker Kian)
I am glad to be back to work (I know weird). I couldn't take one more day couped in the house with no adult conversation!!
Hope you all had happy Monday's and have an even better Tuesday!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Oh I am sOoooooooOOOOO bored!!
My kid has been diagnosed with Mono. I have been couped in this prison er I mean house for a week with a sick kid (with the exception of work but that doesn't count as it's a prison of it's own)!
He's dying to play with someone, he misses his friends, he misses school and he's starting to get some of his energy back and he's driving me crazy! But he's still so sick that he wakes me up at least 3-4 times a night crying because his throat hurts. Poor kid! Poor mom! LOL!
I was supposed to color a friends hair today but had to cancel I don't want to infect anyone else with strep throat and mono. Although he's been on antibiotics long enough that strep isn't contagious anymore.
So doctors and dosing meds is all I've done for days. The highlight of my day was cleaning house... woo-hoo! Oh wait... me and the hubby did steal a few minutes to ourselves w/o Tucker.
So, he's had the TV on Disney channel ALLLLLLL stinkin' day. So, I came in here and decided to catch up on the videos and music that ya'll have on your sites since I can't do it at work. Oh Ellie... thank you soooo much for introducing me to Chantel! WOW! Leaving on a Jet Plane by her is my new hit! It's going to my mp3 like now! And Wild Horses live! Man she's awesome! I'm always looking for a good somewhat unknown artist!
Wish I was leaving on a jet plane headed to Montanna to see my sister who will also love Chantel.
Rain - that's all we've had for days. Beats snow, but man, it's hard to fight off the blues!
The Lord has blessed me and I shouldn't be complaining. I'm gratelful it's only mono and not some viscous form of lukemia! I'm grateful I got two minutes with my husband rather than be a widow of a slain officer. I'm grateful it's raining and I've not lost a loved one in an avalanche. I give the Lord praise! He really has renewed my spirit. I hit a season of sorrow and negativity. That's not me, I'm a bubbly person. I've prayed for Him to make me, me again and He's answered . I took my troubles to the Lord, I cried out to Him and he answered my prayer Psalm 120:1.
I had a guy tell me once I reminded him of a can of shaken coke. If you opened me I'd explode everywhere I was so bubbly. My husband once told me one thing he loved about me was he could depend on my mood, I was always even, always had a smile. Well, I hit a season of depression or negativity but I'm back now. Stronger and better than ever because of God. I'll hit another season again when He's ready to move me to yet another level. Next time I hope I can praise Him through it.
Hope you are having a happy and HEALTHY weekend!

Friday, January 12, 2007

I am leaping today! Leaping in the joy of the Lord!!! He has heard my cry and has answered!!
Last night my husband and I talked and I mean talked, no sarcasm, no raised voices, no defensiveness. Just open and honest. He called the mother of his little girl and I stood there and listened. GOD TOUCHED MY HEART! I mean it, I felt it right there I felt the physical healing! While he talked with her I was calm, I wasn't emotional, I didn't cry, I was level headed. God is so good! I did have to walk out when he started talking about how she had his eyes. That part still rips my heart out but God isn't through with me yet! ( I always dream of what our little girl would like and she has his eyes so this is hard for me). We have given the mother a week to think about paternity tests. It did sound as though she would agree to it. She did say if we do this she wants to know that we are committed to building a relationship with this girl not just for two months. I am going to keep praying to God, to help me love not only to this little girl but to show love and kindess to her mother as well. Not to be resentful that she has made life hard on all of us by keeping her from him for the first 5 yrs of her life. I need God to fill my heart with compassion. I praise Him and give Him glory today for he has already started the healing process and filling me with love! THANK YOU FATHER!!!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Oh Lord hear my cry! Renew in me a clean heart and a loving heart!
Please restore the love in my heart where there is hardness.
Please restore peace where there is discontent
Father I want desperately to do Your will Father I do - it's so hard for me to give up control.
To turn my back to my own feelings and thoughts ,it's so much easier to turn my back on You but I know in the end that's the hard way! I know Your way is perfect oh Lord!
Please make my heart leap with love again! Restore my marriage, restore my love, restore our friendship with each other. Lord I cry out to you today praying that You will give me strength, vitality and boldness in You. I know you hear me Lord God! You promised, ask and you will receive, have the faith of a mustard seed and you will move a mountain. Well I'm holding You to it Father. I believe and trust in You and Your ways and Your will!
I give you thanks for the answer to these things for I know that they will be done according to Your will!!
Praise Your Holy Name!!!
In Jesus name I pray,

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and comments!

Now let me say... whenever you take over the counter medication be sure to read the label, the directions, the total count of how many is in the box. So I bought (I can't believe I'm going to share this most embarrasing story with you all - however you all could use a good laugh might as well be at my expense!) - an off brand laxative. Never used one before. But I've been in pain for a week and nothing natural was working. So I bought a box of the chocolate stuff. I thought oh how yummy and a great excuse to eat chocolate! So, I get home and read it should take 6-12 hrs to kick in so I figure out the timing and think oh cool, I can take it now. So, it says to take 1-2 squares. So I open the box and tilt it foward into my hand and one foil pack falls into my palm. I open and the back side is facing me so I pop that square into my mouth. Well! Three hours later it's working already - I have stomach cramps and I'm thinking how do anorexics stand this stuff! So, while sitting there bored I read the package... it says there is 18 in there. I think to myself wow, how do they get 18 of those foil packs into that little... Oh my God, please tell me I didn't! I open it up and there is only 1 foil pack in the box! I open it up turn it over and there it is... 9 little tiny pill size pieces that you are supposed to break off of the SQUARE I ate! So yep, I did, I took 9 count 'em 9 ladies... 9 little pill sized pieces equal in my eyes 1 square. So needless to say... I'm a little crampy today and won't be at my desk much!
I was home yesterday as little man has strep throat and I believe I might also so I will be taking a trip to the dr today to have that checked out.
Really, is 2007 over yet?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Well, I already want to go to bed and sleep through 2007. The peace and bliss didn't last long. I was hoping for at least two good weeks but nooooooo that will never happen.
Well, let me start at the beginning for ya! Right before we moved and I started blogging we went through a situation. Tim has a supposed child out in the world. He told me about her when we first got together and that she may be his. There was a restraining order in place so he couldn't find out if it was or not for two years. Then the two years ended and we decided it'd be best to stay away and keep the drama from the crazy mother out of our lives. (she came up on us once during the restraining order beeping her horn and getting up on the bumper and crazy stuff trying to get Tim in trouble). Ridiculous! So, I go on with my blissful dream of the all american family and where we were going and the baby I want to have and so on (my mistake apparently). Then the cop thing comes up... you all know that major disappointment. Then he decides to tell me he doesn't want any kids (after he told me he did).... I think he'll change his mind or it's a fear thing... so now all my reasons for marrying him are going down the tube. Not to mention he's a very hard person. Can be very mean in what he thinks is joking. I try to overlook it. Well, back last winter he decides he wants to know if the kid is his or not. I said let it go. He sends a cop to the house to ask if he can contact them. Well, they moved. He finds out they moved to Indy. Good riddens I said! I thought it was done. Then in the spring he saw a truck for the company they worked for and he said I'm calling to see if I can find her. Well, I really thought he wouldn't. He's said that before and talked and never done anything with it. And again, I really didn't think she was his - the mother said in court she didn't know who the father was. She was cheating on Tim with a black guy and we heard that baby had red hair so I've never seen a red-headed korean before so I really thought she wasn't Tims. So, he contacts this chick in indy and calls me at work and tell me to stay by the phone. Well, my heart dropped to my stomach and I became a nervous wreck. He calls back and said she says she's mine. She has to talk to her husband before we can set anything up. So, the husband and the man who's raised this little girl says nope no way. Tim said he was done with it all and he tried and that was it it was done. Now, Tim has legal rights if he wanted but we don't have the money for that kind of stuff. I threw a fit and dind't want anything to do with it or her and rejoiced when Tim said he washed his hands of it all. I know! Yes he's raising my kid, the kid he already knew about and agreed to raise. God really tried to deal with me over it back then but I was not having anything to do with it. Feelings of rage and jealousy that I didn't know existed came surging forth!
So, he comes home Sat night and says get up we gotta talk. I get up and he says your going to be mad (I'm thinking it has to do with work). He says the mom called him at the sheriff office and said I am in your town right now and if you want to see her meet me. He said I thought I couldn't and she said the stepdad was out of the picture and had been for 6 months. They split up right after the convo with Tim. She didn't think it was right the way he treated TIm on the phone (whatever she gets a concious now?) Well my dumbass husband goes! Meets her in the parking lot of the sheriff office to see this girl that he's now convinced is his even though she has red hair and blue eyes. (ever seen a blue eyed korean - yeah me either). Anyways, I'm furious! My nerves are so shot I was shaking like a leaf. Now, God is trying to deal with me again and I'm trying I am REALLY TRYING to let Him. Really!
Here are my feelings on it:
First I'm furious he didn't say yes I want to see her but can't do that w/o my wife. Let's set up a time and place to meet in a week. He'd have my bags packed and my teeth would be in my throat if I had made the desicion he made. I mean didn't he ask himself on his way to meet her would I want Holli to do this is Holli going to be mad? And here's the kicker... he didn't call me on the phone on the way there either. He had time to call me after he talked to her and on his way to meet her.
I did after prayer figure out where my jealousy towards this little girl comes from: he's going to dote on her, talk so sweet to her, buy her gifts (which yes he should every child should have that) but he can't be sweet to me! I can't watch him be so sweet and loving to someone else when I'm STARVING for it! And I will also be reminded everytime I have to look at her of what he has taken away from me, what he has denied me the opportunity of having a little girl or boy that's his child.
Now, he says... we're in this together or not at all whatever you want is what I'll do. OH PLEASE! I must have stupid tattooed on my forehead! He said that about his freaking job too. I won't let this job tear us apart... yet he's working 2nd shift and tearing us apart and he doesn't give a shit. So BASICALLY - what his words mean are Whatever you want Holli as long as I get my way and what you want is what I want.
Now, the last time we went through this 6 mths ago - he said it was done. I knew how I felt and where I stood I was totally against it all! So why if it's what I want would he even go see her and begin this crap all over again? If it's what I wanted he would've told the bitch no I don't want to see her don't ever call me again.
Yes, I am the wicked step-mother. Call me evil whatever. I feel how I feel. I can't help it and I'm trying really I am doing much better this time.
So, he's already asking for pix to send to her. I said NOPE NO WAY NO HOW we are not doing anything I MEAN NOTHING until a paternity test is done. When I have that proof then we'll talk. I feel so psychotic right now. Very Dr Heckyl/Hyde. I think okay, love this little girl, take her in and be kind to her like a good christian would do. Then Heckyl takes over and I think she can't stay with us she has no where to sleep. She can't have the spare room! If my wanted baby can't have that room then his baby can't have that room (it has his antiques and he says if I got pregnant he wouldn't move them that it wouldn't be a nursery)! I am so conflicted. I pray pray pray that she isn't his and we can all move on!
Now, sitting in church yesterday we sang a song that we haven't sung since that last time I was in this situation. Words: you placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name!
So I ask myself - who am I to question God's plans? He did place them all in the sky - He's in control. At the time I also prayed a prayer that God would pour his blessing onto us and that we would be open and accepting of them. Well I haven't prayed that prayer since, until the new year! Then I prayed it again, and we sang that song Sunday morning and here I am. God is talking to me, actually he's shouting at me. Trying to get through my thick head.
Tim did ask the mother what she wanted and she said nothing, she said she didn't need his child support. (lets hope that lasts).
So, here are my evil tempations: 1.) to tell him to forget she even exits 2.) to tell him that when I get pregnant THEN and ONLY then can he establish a relationship with her 3.) stop taking the pill and get pregnant now (which I have threatend to do anyway) 4.) just say forget it all and get divorced because I'm tired of all his turmoil and drama that he has brought to this relationship.
So there it is... where's my blanket and don't wake me until 2008.
and yes, so you know, I do hear myself, I know what's right and wrong, I know that those temptations don't solve anything and only make matters worse.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

It got off to a great start. We went shopping as a family, Tucker got to take his first escalator ride. We went out to eat for a great late lunch/early dinner. Went home the boys took naps. We went to see a night at the musuem which a was great movie. Then we we went to the church where we ate and ate and played the silliest games and had SO much fun! We prayed the new year in and 12:01 we say happy new year cleaned up and went home. Tucker stayed up wasn't a grump in fact he was great and had a great time playing with the couple of other kids that were there. I have to say this is the best start to a new year that we've had together yet as a family. This will be the year of our 4th wedding anniv. Seems like 20! I don't really mean that in a mean way either (I think). :-)
New years day - we layed around in our jammies all day. We had enough running around and seeing people. So we did nothing!! YEAH!!
I am glad though that the holidays are over. It was fun while they lasted but I really need to return to normal life.
Of course my resolutions are weight and working out. I want to get to my goal of 145 lbs. I also made the resolution to get a daily bible study and stay with one all year long. I don't have the patience to sit and read the bible from beginning to end so this will be my way of doing it.
I pray that your resolutions were attainable and that you find the motivation to follow through with them!