Monday, January 08, 2007

Well, I already want to go to bed and sleep through 2007. The peace and bliss didn't last long. I was hoping for at least two good weeks but nooooooo that will never happen.
Well, let me start at the beginning for ya! Right before we moved and I started blogging we went through a situation. Tim has a supposed child out in the world. He told me about her when we first got together and that she may be his. There was a restraining order in place so he couldn't find out if it was or not for two years. Then the two years ended and we decided it'd be best to stay away and keep the drama from the crazy mother out of our lives. (she came up on us once during the restraining order beeping her horn and getting up on the bumper and crazy stuff trying to get Tim in trouble). Ridiculous! So, I go on with my blissful dream of the all american family and where we were going and the baby I want to have and so on (my mistake apparently). Then the cop thing comes up... you all know that major disappointment. Then he decides to tell me he doesn't want any kids (after he told me he did).... I think he'll change his mind or it's a fear thing... so now all my reasons for marrying him are going down the tube. Not to mention he's a very hard person. Can be very mean in what he thinks is joking. I try to overlook it. Well, back last winter he decides he wants to know if the kid is his or not. I said let it go. He sends a cop to the house to ask if he can contact them. Well, they moved. He finds out they moved to Indy. Good riddens I said! I thought it was done. Then in the spring he saw a truck for the company they worked for and he said I'm calling to see if I can find her. Well, I really thought he wouldn't. He's said that before and talked and never done anything with it. And again, I really didn't think she was his - the mother said in court she didn't know who the father was. She was cheating on Tim with a black guy and we heard that baby had red hair so I've never seen a red-headed korean before so I really thought she wasn't Tims. So, he contacts this chick in indy and calls me at work and tell me to stay by the phone. Well, my heart dropped to my stomach and I became a nervous wreck. He calls back and said she says she's mine. She has to talk to her husband before we can set anything up. So, the husband and the man who's raised this little girl says nope no way. Tim said he was done with it all and he tried and that was it it was done. Now, Tim has legal rights if he wanted but we don't have the money for that kind of stuff. I threw a fit and dind't want anything to do with it or her and rejoiced when Tim said he washed his hands of it all. I know! Yes he's raising my kid, the kid he already knew about and agreed to raise. God really tried to deal with me over it back then but I was not having anything to do with it. Feelings of rage and jealousy that I didn't know existed came surging forth!
So, he comes home Sat night and says get up we gotta talk. I get up and he says your going to be mad (I'm thinking it has to do with work). He says the mom called him at the sheriff office and said I am in your town right now and if you want to see her meet me. He said I thought I couldn't and she said the stepdad was out of the picture and had been for 6 months. They split up right after the convo with Tim. She didn't think it was right the way he treated TIm on the phone (whatever she gets a concious now?) Well my dumbass husband goes! Meets her in the parking lot of the sheriff office to see this girl that he's now convinced is his even though she has red hair and blue eyes. (ever seen a blue eyed korean - yeah me either). Anyways, I'm furious! My nerves are so shot I was shaking like a leaf. Now, God is trying to deal with me again and I'm trying I am REALLY TRYING to let Him. Really!
Here are my feelings on it:
First I'm furious he didn't say yes I want to see her but can't do that w/o my wife. Let's set up a time and place to meet in a week. He'd have my bags packed and my teeth would be in my throat if I had made the desicion he made. I mean didn't he ask himself on his way to meet her would I want Holli to do this is Holli going to be mad? And here's the kicker... he didn't call me on the phone on the way there either. He had time to call me after he talked to her and on his way to meet her.
I did after prayer figure out where my jealousy towards this little girl comes from: he's going to dote on her, talk so sweet to her, buy her gifts (which yes he should every child should have that) but he can't be sweet to me! I can't watch him be so sweet and loving to someone else when I'm STARVING for it! And I will also be reminded everytime I have to look at her of what he has taken away from me, what he has denied me the opportunity of having a little girl or boy that's his child.
Now, he says... we're in this together or not at all whatever you want is what I'll do. OH PLEASE! I must have stupid tattooed on my forehead! He said that about his freaking job too. I won't let this job tear us apart... yet he's working 2nd shift and tearing us apart and he doesn't give a shit. So BASICALLY - what his words mean are Whatever you want Holli as long as I get my way and what you want is what I want.
Now, the last time we went through this 6 mths ago - he said it was done. I knew how I felt and where I stood I was totally against it all! So why if it's what I want would he even go see her and begin this crap all over again? If it's what I wanted he would've told the bitch no I don't want to see her don't ever call me again.
Yes, I am the wicked step-mother. Call me evil whatever. I feel how I feel. I can't help it and I'm trying really I am doing much better this time.
So, he's already asking for pix to send to her. I said NOPE NO WAY NO HOW we are not doing anything I MEAN NOTHING until a paternity test is done. When I have that proof then we'll talk. I feel so psychotic right now. Very Dr Heckyl/Hyde. I think okay, love this little girl, take her in and be kind to her like a good christian would do. Then Heckyl takes over and I think she can't stay with us she has no where to sleep. She can't have the spare room! If my wanted baby can't have that room then his baby can't have that room (it has his antiques and he says if I got pregnant he wouldn't move them that it wouldn't be a nursery)! I am so conflicted. I pray pray pray that she isn't his and we can all move on!
Now, sitting in church yesterday we sang a song that we haven't sung since that last time I was in this situation. Words: you placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name!
So I ask myself - who am I to question God's plans? He did place them all in the sky - He's in control. At the time I also prayed a prayer that God would pour his blessing onto us and that we would be open and accepting of them. Well I haven't prayed that prayer since, until the new year! Then I prayed it again, and we sang that song Sunday morning and here I am. God is talking to me, actually he's shouting at me. Trying to get through my thick head.
Tim did ask the mother what she wanted and she said nothing, she said she didn't need his child support. (lets hope that lasts).
So, here are my evil tempations: 1.) to tell him to forget she even exits 2.) to tell him that when I get pregnant THEN and ONLY then can he establish a relationship with her 3.) stop taking the pill and get pregnant now (which I have threatend to do anyway) 4.) just say forget it all and get divorced because I'm tired of all his turmoil and drama that he has brought to this relationship.
So there it is... where's my blanket and don't wake me until 2008.
and yes, so you know, I do hear myself, I know what's right and wrong, I know that those temptations don't solve anything and only make matters worse.


pat said...

How long have you been married to this guy?
A paternity test is the most responsible thing to do and with that result you can make decisions. You know Holli, if it is his child, that child may be in your lives. But know this, you are never ever alone.

Kristi K. said...

Wow. Just wow. I don't even know what to say. I am so, so, so sorry. This must be so hard.

Wow. I am praying. I can't say that I know what you're going through, but I know it must be heart wrenching. I am with Pat, though. Nothing without a paternity test. Nothing.

Hang on, sis. God is not finished here.

Elliemarie said...

Oh, Holli, what a nightmare. I have to agree with Pat and Kris-a paternity test needs to be done before anything else happens.

Take care of yourself.