Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Something I’ve discovered:

You know, I don’t know if men,when they are little boys have this vision of what their life will be like when they are adults.
But me (and maybe it’s just me and not all women) I have had a vision of what my adult life would be like. The family, the evenings, the sporting events, the everyday life. I have dreamed about it all my life! And let me tell you, I am SO disappointed.
It’s nothing like I dreamed it would be. Now, I didn’t dream big, I didn’t dream unrealistically. I dreamt (and dream) of a normal life. Husband, wife, two kids, and a dog. Evenings spent taking family bike rides and walks. Going together to sporting practices and games. Running errands in the evenings. Spur of the moment lets go get ice cream moments. Ya’ know? Just real typical and maybe real boring to some. All I ever wanted was average.
I’ve never had just average. (oh I’m trying not cry as I write this!) My first marriage was to a pot head, drum playing, hippie. All we did was party and hang out. His friends were more important than me and I as a 21 yr old thought that as soon as we were married we’d be my parents (who were no one to look up to mind you). Obviously now that I look back, that was unrealistic. There are days I wish I would’ve stayed in that relationship and allowed both of us to grow up. I do believe he would’ve eventually grown up. But again, maybe that is wishful thinking.
The next relationship – wow that was even more warped than the first! I won’t go into full details but I will say- I was running away from a lot of past hurts. I finally had a place where I was accepted and felt part of a group. (I didn’t fit in w/ my 1st husbands group of friends because I was and am very anti-drug I just drank a lot). Of course that relationship was very unhealthy and very co-dependant and wow, wrong for so very many reasons. So, my relationship now… I thought this one was going to be it. He said all the right things, wanted to be a family man, wanted to work 9-5, wanted a kid, wanted to raise his family in church. Well… hindsight will get ya’ everytime. I didn’t marry him for who he was, I married him for the ideas he represented to me. All the same things I wanted he wanted…so it had to work right?! WRONG! He’s now “changed his mind” on ALL of those things. So, now I’m left in a place of loneliness again. In this “lost in space” feeling. I have no where I belong. I have had this dream my whole life and now I have to tell it goodbye. I have to tell it that it’s never going to happen. It’s like loosing a best friend to cancer. The cancer has eaten at this dream over and over again for the past 17 years (since I’ve been on my own) and finally the cancer has taken it from you. It’s hard to say goodbye to something I’ve held so close and prayed for for so very long. But, if I let it go I’ll can’t be heartbroken anymore right? Okay, so that’s not going to happen but if I let it go maybe some of the hurt will stop.
I have a great life, don’t get me wrong. But something is missing, something doesn’t feel right, I feel empty every evening. I’m so tired of feeling this empty space every night. A child isn’t going to fill it alone. It’ll help but unless the rest of the dream comes with it I’m still a woman home alone every night with two kids instead of one. I don’t know…
I’m so weary… my soul is weary. I pray, I spend time in the Word everyday, I am involved in the church and a lot of goings on there, it’s not that part that is missing. That part of the dream is fulfilled. It’s the family part, it’s the part of having my best friend and husband there to share it all with and to want it all as much as I do.
I just feel so very sad.
Thanks for letting me spill it all out here …tears and all. I have no where else to spill it to!


pat said...

Oh Holli,
Here are some hugs sent especially for you. Dreams do not have to be shattered forever. I walked in your shoes at one time but the difference was there was that person home every night in body but never in mind or soul and I still felt so alone. When someone you love shuts you out, it is the empty feeling inside that is the most painful. Focus on yourself. Focus on what you want and follow the path. It is only then will you feel full again.

Kristi K. said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

You are such a strong woman. I believe with all my heart that you are going to find the way to the top of this mountain and your dream is going to come true with a little time.

Heart hugs!

neicybelle said...

i wrote my post on being lonely...then came here to find you mourning over the loss of a dream...

i'm so sorry holli...i don't have any answers for you...just lots of empathy...and a hug for souls that mourn...


PJ said...

Holli! I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting. I understand, in part, the loneliness, the empty feeling and the loss of a dream. that's how I felt with my marriage to Jeff.

I'm so sorry. Know that I love you.