Saturday, September 30, 2006

Oooohhhh, today is Sat. a day I should be looking forward to. But I had to go to the grocery. I so hate going there. I do go at like 7:30 8:00 in the morning to avoid the people. You know... the older I get the more I think I have more signs of the anxiety disorder. Where I don't like to leave the house. I hate crowds, I hate fairs, amusement parks, concerts. I didn't mind those places when I was young but the older I get the harder it gets to leave my house. If I dwell on where I have to go the more anxious and angry I get about having to go there. Maybe I should seek help... uh just a thought. Ok, so I totally went off my mind path. I'm a sag so therefore I cannot keep one train of thought. My blog will be hard to read because I will jump from thought to thought and then back again w/o warning.
My hubby and I have been having serious discussions. I told him I regretted marrying him. Unfortunately that was the truth. Everything he wanted in the beginning he no longer wants. He wanted to work a 9-5 job, wanted to be a family man, he promised he no longer wanted to be a cop, he wanted another child and he wanted to raise his family in church. Now - all of that has turned out to be a big fat lie. I'm trying not to be angry or bitter. I'm trying to be logical and realistic not emotional. He says - " I got to church". I told him Wed night wasn't enough. I wanted him involved in church. Just going isn't enough. I don't want a divorce... I will not uproot my child and my life and my belongings again. I've been there before and I won't do it again. I've been there twice now and this is my final resting place. Where I am - I am. I love my brand new house, and my brand new furniture. I just for the 1st time in my life have no hand me downs in my house. Everything is bought and paid for by me (us). He keeps trying to convince me why I should give him my blessing for him to continue to be a cop and not just that but on 2nd shift of all shifts. I would never ever see him. We would go days w/o seeing each other, literally. I can't live like that, I am needy if you want to call it that. I need to talk to my spouse at night, I need to cook dinner together, do dishes, bathtime and bedtime, ballgames and pratices. *note there was more to this blog alot more but I got an error and now I can't remember what all I said and I have a serious cramp in my hand* so anways UGH!

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