Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Just got off the phone with my husband... I still hate him. I made sure he knew I hated him
He's trying to smooth things over by saying crap like I've been neglectful of you and I want you to have one day a week where you don't clean, cook, or take care of Tucker. GUESS WHAT! I already do! Thursdays! While his lazy ass is asleep in bed - sleeping 12 hours! He also said he wants me to take Thurs off he took a vacation day for thurs. WHY IN THE HELL would you take a THURS off? He wanted a 3 day weekend. His days off are Tues and Wed. Well what good does a thurs do me? How about taking a SAT off or a SUN off??? When you can spend the whole day with your family and we can go do something like the rest of the world?! OH I HATE HIM for tearing this family apart. He's trying to tell me how unfair I am for making him choose him family or his job. I said how unfair is it that you tell me 1.) no dogs 2.) no kids 3.) no Angel (a friend of mine he hates). Who does he think he is to dictate my dreams to me? I have tried to be supportive for the past 2 yrs now. I have. I truly have. Not anymore. I'm done. He's not willing to work 3rd shift to compromise than I'm not willing to compromise. I go one with my life from here without him. Without his approval. I free myself from his restrictive binds.
I told him to go find a girlfriend. I will not file for divorce. I will live as a roomate. I mean why file? He'll be on 2nd shift we'll never see each other anyways? I will not uproot Tucker's life and I will not lose my brand new house. I will never forgive him for this. I'm to angry, too hurt. I will never recover. I will forver have these stones around my heart. They have been added to the wall that was already there. I have tried to tear it down numerous times before. I keep getting hurt and then more stones get added. It's a big wall now, it's impentrable. I don't think I will ever be able to truly love again. I don't think I ever loved him. I think I just loved the idea of it all. I don't really think I have ever loved anyone since my very first love at 14. (who ended up being a total loser - do we see a pattern here)?
My Tucker, my precious sweet Tucker. Thats all I love, all I care about.


Anonymous said...

Dear Holli,
You have so much anger and rage inside and if you do not get it out in a constructive way, you are going to blow your lid once and for all. Have you guys ever considered Marriage Counseling? And if he is not receptive, then do it on your own. I know how you feel, I have been there once and it sucks. Really truly sucks. Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

Kristi K. said...

I am so sorry about all of this. Are you okay?