Thursday, October 19, 2006

I haven't wanted a cigarette so bad in a year! I won't smoke one but I really want one but I won't do it. I've come to far. Besides, who has $4.00 for a pack?
How do you go from the highest of highs on Tuesday morning (from the lowest low Monday night) back to the lowest of lows on Thursday morning and it keeps getting worse.
My son comes home today, I get his papers out of his bookbag and there it is... my instant heart attack. He has been suspended from the bus for one day. Okay, yes it's just the bus not school but for PETES sake he's FIVE hello?!?!?! My husband called the principal. Now we are the parents that if you get in trouble at school you get in trouble at home too. Why we were so mad is the suspension is for tomorrow... we got one days notice for an incident we knew nothing about! The incident happend on OCTOBER 12th!! TWO WEEKS AGO! Why didn't I know about this? The principal- says oh my mistake. I let that slip, sorry. So, he hit a kid on the bus, then laid down in the seat and refused to listen to the bus driver. First incident. Does that deserve a suspension or is it that she knows he has trouble in class with kissing the girls and listening and sitting still so she lumped it all together and decided he needed to be suspended? Then she had a meeting with Tucker regarding the incident... can they do that w/o the parents knowing?! Tim told her that she IS NOT under any circumstance to meet with our child over discplinary issues unless one of us is present.
Tucker did get in trouble, he got whipped, he got sent to his room, he had to write his name 20 times, no playtime for tonight except for in bath for 20 minutes. And tell me what a 5 year old learns from not riding the bus? It means he gets to spend morning time with mom and he doesn't have to go to that dreadful daycare that morning. GREAT! So I am getting punished because I have to use leave from work to do this.
I am so ticked. My husband asked if I wanted to talk to her and I said oh no! I am in full blown hard core PMS I'll have him expelled by the time I get done with her.
And the whole job thing is turning out NOT to be what they had exactly said in the office Tuesday morning. Things are already getting changed around but that's a story for another day when I can do it w/o crying.
My husband is a complete jerk. I ask him for space, I say I can't talk about it right now and he can't take that. He has to keep asking and talking about it until I freak out and blow up and I'm shaking so bad I can't see straight. He's a selfish bastard. It's always about what he wants, when he wants. Well I'm over it! Wed night I blew up and yelled and later that night he said I shouldn't have yelled! COMING FROM THE MAN WHO SPITS SKOAL EVERYWHERE BECAUSE HE YELLS SO LOUD! I asked him when is it my turn to vent,when do I quit being your friend so you can be mine for a minute? When do you get to listen to me yell so that I can feel better. He says your are absolutely right - then tonight he can't shut his piehole until he has me pissed off. I'm not expecting comments to this post... I just had to yell and scream at someone since he won't let me! I am so ready to wash my hands of it all. Just walk away - leave him and Tucker here to self destruct w/o me.
Screw it all. Man, where's a Marlboro light 100 and a shot of tequila when you want one?
No, instead of that I'll go pray and ask the Great comforter to comfort me (and no not southern comfort - I mean God). gee - I crack myself up!
He will give me that peace, through his stripes I am annoited and healed. Tomorrow is a new day and a new mood.


PJ said...

Oh Holli! Dear sweet precious precious Holli. I love you DEARLY!! And I'm sorry you're going through a crazy time.

Vent and get mad here. We get it and we're here lifting you up.

Praise the Lord for girlfriends.

Lots of love - xxxx.

Kristi K. said...

I am so sorry. I know. I know just how you feel. You poor thing. Here's a hug ~HUG~ and I am praying for you, sweetie. You are a strong woman. When I look at you, I wonder how you manage to keep all your ducks in a row. (Of course, I wonder that about myself every friggin day!)

But truly, you are one amazing woman.

Btw, my boys have been suspended off the bus before, too. Not yet this year, knock on wood. They were never suspended when they went to the city school, but out in the country school... I guess they don't mess around with behavioral stuff.

Jo-Jo almost got suspended off the bus this year. Want to hear why?

Jo-Jo, who is such a sweet kid, told this one boy he was going to cut his ear off (with safety scissors) if he didn't leave him alone. In the privacy of my own bedroom, I laughed.

The boy told him he was "hot" and he wanted to go out with him, and Josh, too. He was sitting beside Jo and he kept touching Jo's leg, and Jo wasn't playing that game.

Needless to say, they moved Jo. The little boy, who is only 7, is sitting by himself at this point. Alas, his love for Jo was unrequieted. Oh boy. Only in America. ;)

It's going to be okay. Men have a hard time with this listening thing. Rob does, too. Last night, I came home, crying a few tears, wanting to just talk for a few minutes and have him wrap his strong arms around me so I could feel secure. As I talked, I could see him getting tense. He kept saying, "What do you want me to do, Kris?" I truly believe what "Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus," says about the differences in the sexes. Men are "FIXERS." When women talk, the men just want to make things all better. Women JUST WANT TO VENT. They aren't asking for anyone to FIX anything.

So, I reminded Rob, "I don't want you to FIX these problems. What I really want from you is to sit here on the bed, put your arms around me, let me cry for a few minutes, and listen. If you get tense and defensive and think I'm blaming you for this stuff, I'll only feel worse." So, he shut up and held me.

In about five minutes, I was okay.

I pray Tim starts hearing what your heart is saying, too.

I love you, hon.

pat said...

Ok Holli, you may not agree with me but you made a comment about what can a five year old learn from being suspended from the bus. I have a question for you. What can a five year old learn from being whipped? My answer would be "he would learn to vent his frustrations by hitting someone". I am not a perfect parent. God knows and so do you that I have one son addicted to drugs who now sits in jail. I have made my share of parenting mistakes and I do not judge you by no means. Just try to remember one thing when the stress of life gets to that volcano point. Take herself a long walk, count to ten, do whatever, but try to make the punishment fit the crime.You have a little boy who may be acting out for a reason. Try to understand what that reason is. Take care......I am glad you can vent and express your feelings honestly. We are all here for you.

Holli said...

I wanted to say how much I TRULY appreciate your honesty. I know I can truly count you as a friend. I wanted you to know that I do not look at Josh's problems as part of poor parenting! I look at them as an 18 year old who made some bad decisions while expiermenting with rebellion and freedom and bad decisions kept getting worse until it was too late.
I don't really approve of whipping either. However, I can't get his dad to see that. I keep telling him that Tucker is going to grow up to resent him and rebel against him and then when he's a teenager we'll have no control over him because he won't trust us enough to come to us. I use it as a last resort if possbile. I prefer grounding him or removing toys or movies. That hurts him much worse. A spanking only last for a second the pain for a few minutes and then it's over. Being grounded and sitting at the window watching your friends play outside is much worse! I also feel like spanking is the easy way out for the parent. Then they don't have to enforce any other punishment. Anyways, I wanted to thank you so sincerely for your comments!
I love you dearly!