So, because Ellie mentioned the chicks I've been listening to them. I have like 8 songs on my computer and I've been listening to them over and over. So I had to go get the new album. I went out in the rainy weather to get it. So far it's ok. I love the I'm not ready to make nice (go figure) so far the rest of it is pretty mellow... hoping it picks up soon.
I love Natalie's voice!
Ahhh yea, here we go... track 7 just started... this is the chicks I love!
oh, and I called my church today... asked the pastor for a list of christian counslers in the area. He's getting that list together for me. Yes I do need to see someone - just so I can vent and get it all out.

Just got off the phone with my husband... I still hate him. I made sure he knew I hated him
He's trying to smooth things over by saying crap like I've been neglectful of you and I want you to have one day a week where you don't clean, cook, or take care of Tucker. GUESS WHAT! I already do! Thursdays! While his lazy ass is asleep in bed - sleeping 12 hours! He also said he wants me to take Thurs off he took a vacation day for thurs. WHY IN THE HELL would you take a THURS off? He wanted a 3 day weekend. His days off are Tues and Wed. Well what good does a thurs do me? How about taking a SAT off or a SUN off??? When you can spend the whole day with your family and we can go do something like the rest of the world?! OH I HATE HIM for tearing this family apart. He's trying to tell me how unfair I am for making him choose him family or his job. I said how unfair is it that you tell me 1.) no dogs 2.) no kids 3.) no Angel (a friend of mine he hates). Who does he think he is to dictate my dreams to me? I have tried to be supportive for the past 2 yrs now. I have. I truly have. Not anymore. I'm done. He's not willing to work 3rd shift to compromise than I'm not willing to compromise. I go one with my life from here without him. Without his approval. I free myself from his restrictive binds.
I told him to go find a girlfriend. I will not file for divorce. I will live as a roomate. I mean why file? He'll be on 2nd shift we'll never see each other anyways? I will not uproot Tucker's life and I will not lose my brand new house. I will never forgive him for this. I'm to angry, too hurt. I will never recover. I will forver have these stones around my heart. They have been added to the wall that was already there. I have tried to tear it down numerous times before. I keep getting hurt and then more stones get added. It's a big wall now, it's impentrable. I don't think I will ever be able to truly love again. I don't think I ever loved him. I think I just loved the idea of it all. I don't really think I have ever loved anyone since my very first love at 14. (who ended up being a total loser - do we see a pattern here)?
My Tucker, my precious sweet Tucker. Thats all I love, all I care about.

I feel guilty complaining. I feel guilty for feeling so bad, I feel guilty for doubting God, I feel guilty for not trusting him right now, I feel guilty for being bitter, angry, sad, hysterically mad, tired, and on constant verge of tears.
It could all be gone if my stupid freaking selfish SOB of a husband would just get a real job.
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM.
I can't do this, I can NOT do 2nd shift again. I'm miserable, lonely and so very bitter already. I remember what 2nd was like (he's worked it before). I just can't get over this. I just can't move on. He (Tim) said I am clincally depressed and that I need to see someone. I said no, I would be fine if you would just take the loan officer job! Everything would be better. I had a friend tell me today how I can't depend on someone else for my happiness. Well, I made her leave my office. Yes, I am depending on him for it because I know what it will take to be happy, and I very carefully planned it, he agreed with the plan and now has changed it all. So therefore I have been made unhappy. He's a miserable selfish bastard.

So, I don't feel like doing any work today. My office mate took the day off.
So, I'm sitting here listening to music good and loud. Tim McGraw's Real good man, Terry Clark, I just want to be mad for awhile, several Dixie chick songs, Love of a woman Travis Tritt. It all reminds me of a couple years ago before Tim was a cop. We used to go out two Sat. nights a month. Sing in the car, these songs, man we used to have a good time. I love these songs and the place they take me.
There's a lot of music I can't listen to anymore - because of where it takes me.
I listen to Christian music (Jesus music as Tuck calls it) all the time. I need it. I need to surround myself in it. But today I wanted to hear some oldies but goodies. So, here I sit reminiscing of the good ole days. With a smile on my face. So come on it, listen with me and tell me what you remember about these songs.

OH! Something I forgot. I went yesterday to get my stitches out of my leg. The Doc's words were " It's not cancer...anymore". Apparently it was and my bodies immune system fought it and beat it. And now that I had the spot removed its gone. He did give it a name - a very long weird name with the word spitznoma (or something to that effect) in it. LOL!! He told me to keep a very close eye on the spot and if I see any pigment come back into at all get in there right away - don't wait. So, I won't wait. I waited 1 1/2 or 2 yrs to have this mole removed, out of fear basically. I don't want to be cut on and I don't want to be told that I have cancer. Dying young and leaving my child behind motherless is my one huge irrational fear. One of those irrational fears that leaves you breathless and in tears. I know - I'm retarded!
Anyways, I believe with no doubt that God has touched my boby and healed me. That's what I believe and I'm stinking to it.

My handsome little man at the pumpkin farm with church group. We had a good time Wednesday night. Last night me, Tucker and Tim all carved pumpkins. We had Tucker draw the designs on a piece of paper for the Mommy pumpkin (name Holli) the baby pumpkin (Jr) and the daddy pumpkin (TH) don't ask me where he got those names. Anyways... him and daddy held the knife and carver together and carved the faces out that Tucker designed. They turned out really cute! I haven't downloaded them from the camera yet but I'll post them so you can see how artistic my little boy is! hehe! I'm not proud or anything.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend. I plan on trying to spend tomorrow with my Dad - I haven't seen him in seems like weeks! Sunday I'm going to visit a friends church and watch a play she's in. Then going to a Home & Garden party at another friends so I'll be kept very busy. Enjoy the colors while they are around... they will be disappearing soon!

My heart aches, I physically feel the hurt. I cried on my way home yesterday (after I talked to my husband on the phone) and I cried last night. It took everything I had to hold the tears back everytime my husband said I love you. Which was alot because he's feeling guilty. So I heard him talking to my Dad on the phone Tuesday night and I heard his say he'll be on 2nd shift. So, we talked about it very very briefly because I'm in denial and if I don't talk about it then it won't happen right? Well all the promises they made about how they weren't going to let anyone bump him blah blah blah apparently were big fat lies just to get him to stay. So now they let two people bump him on 1st which made him go to 2nd w/ Thurs Fri off and now he got bumped from that with Wed Thurs off. So I am really really really (did I say really) upset. He could work 3rd but he hates that shift. So what I hear is - my happiness is more important to me than my family - I expect you and Tucker to make all the sacrifices here and I'm going to make none. I'm going to do what I want when I want and my happiness is all that matters. That's what I hear by him not being willing to compromise and stay on 3rd shift. See on 2nd shift he'll work 3-11. So, he'll be in bed when I leave for work, when I get home from work he'll be gone and I'll be in bed when he gets home from work. So, I will be a single parent taking care of Tucker all by myself. I will no longer have someone to watch him in the evenings so I can do fun things like joy fellowship or go to scrap book crops or anything else in the evening. Tim keeps trying to justify it by saying "but this way you won't have to deal with me being grumpy when I get up, you won't have to tip toe around the house while I sleep in the evening and you can have people over now". WHATEVER! If he chooses to believe that big fat lie than whatever. So anyways... I was sad driving home yesterday thinking about it and I was trying to just sing my praise and worship and Tim called. Tucker got in trouble on the bus for spitting yesterday (man where does this crap come from). So he was on his way to the shcool to have a meeting with Tucker, the bus driver and the principal. Then I cried. Lord I can't take anymore of this. I can't handle anymore. I can't have one more person tell me how bad my kid is, I can't handle him alone in the evenings. I can't do this!!! And inthe same breath to calm myself down I'm praying Lord I trust you, I have to trust that I am exactly where you need me to be at this moment. I mean, I don't know what else to do or say. I feel like I am so out of control (and yes I am a bit of a control freak). I can't control how my kid behaves when I'm not there, I can't control the choices my husband makes, I can't control where or when my husband works.
For all you people who rush into a relationship STOP!!! SLOW DOWN!!! Tim and I met in Nov and we talked on the phone and saw each other for a few minutes on Sat. night at the bar I waitressed in, he moved in in January and we got married in August even though I wasn't sure I really wanted to. I don't know why I do these stupid things, I let people pressure me and Tim did pressure about how often we saw each other and about getting married. I wish (and yes blogger world I really mean it) I wish we never would've gotten married. We have nothing in common, I can't talk to him like a friend because he's so harsh and judgmental, he's boring, and all he cares about are himself and Tucker. I'm not happy. I'm bored out of my mind. I mean I like to play games, like a game of skip-bo or uno or have another couple come over and play euchre. But no, he doesn't like to play games so he doesn't play EVVER. Not even to make me happy. We went to the pumpkin farm last night with the church and Tucker had a great time. When we got home Tim was saying he had a good time, and I said hope you did because it's your last. He said what do you mean, I said welp, you chose 2nd shift and so now you can't coach T-ball, go to b-ball games, soccer games, church functions. It's all out. You have just walked away from your position in this family. And I really really REALLY hope that cut right to heart. I hope it hurt him so deep he can't recover from it. I know - it's not supposed to be eye for an eye. But I'm angry and bitter. I just want him to pack his stuff and go away. Never ever see him again and be gone. Tucker would miss him terribly but I wouldn't. It's not like he's been around all that much anyways. I was looking foward to finally having him around, to finally being a family, to be able to say hey, lets run to the big city and go shopping spurr of the moment. But nope, he has this ridiculous power trip he's on and want to play cops and robbers.
WHATEVER! Women out there - don't EVER EVER EVER date or marry a cop. Your life will be miserable and you will be alone all the time.
I hate him for this, I resent him for this, I won't forgive him for this.
Don't comment on this because I already know...
I have to vent somewhere and here it is.
OOOOOOOOOO I just F*cking hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him once when he first started this job I hope he got shot. I never really quit wishing that. I mean my life would be so easy if he did die. Sell his stuff, put him in the ground and walk away from the cementary and never look back. Just move on. Go on with life. I mean what would be different? I wouldn't have anybody to call and wake up everyday (isn't that ridiculous that I have to wake a grown man up like a child) Iwouldn't have to cook beef for every meal, I wouldn't have to be afraid that I did something wrong and get called every name in the book, I mean my life would actually be better w/o him. God I am so bitter!

Last night I went to the Joy Fellowship at church. Ladies only, no kids allowed! They meet 6 times a year and the theme is always different. Last night was Handpicked by God. We had "handpicked" foods. Chicken pot pie, beef pot pie, different salads, apple pie, pumpkin bread, apple crisp, apple cobbler oh it was amazing! We had a guest speaker one of the ladies who's been going to church there for 40 yrs. She told several stories, all with morals of course. It was great and I got so much out of it. Well at the end they passed this poem out. I thought of you all (you especially Kris and Ellie) but all of you special women that I have met out here - so enjoy.
CELEBRATE YOU
You are worth celebrating
You are unique
In all the world, there is only one you
There is only one person with your talents
your experience, your gifts
No one can take your place
God created only one you, precious in His sight
You have immense potential to love, to care
to create, to grow, to sacrifice
if you believe in yourself
It doesn't matter you age, or your color
or whether your parents loved you or not
(maybe they wanted to but didn't know how)
Let that go, it belongs in the past, you belong to the now
It doesn't matter what you've been, the wrong you've done
the mistakes you've made, the people you've hurt
You are FORGIVEN. You are accepted, you are OK
Celebrate you!
Begin now. Start now. Give yourself a new birth. Today
You are you and that is all you need to be
You are temporary Here today gone tomorrow
But today, today can be a new beginning, a new thing, a new life
You deserve this new life, it is given freely
That is the miracle called God
So celebrate the miracle and celebrate the you
Clyde Reid
Now - I want you to go back and read it again slowly, read it not like a poem but like a decision that you yourself is making and then live it today. Read it again tomorrow and then live it tomorrow. Have a blessed day!

My life is so mundane. But I've made it that way.
I went home, I made dinner, played with Tucker, watched a TV show, gave Tucker a bath, put him to bed, and went to bed. That is my night, night after night after night. It's the same on Friday and Saturday too. I want to get out more but then I think about it and my house is so warm and cozy that I just can't motivate myself to leave it. I haven't seen my dad in a couple of weeks, since he came to my house. I really should go visit him. But that takes energy to get up!
You know, I want to know how we are supposed to get done all the things we are supposed to do (and where the money comes from). Keep our oil changed every 3,000 plus other preventive maintenance and repair anything broken, do pm to our houses, plus any repairs and updates that you want made, keep the house clean, clothes clean, work a 40+ hour week, save money for retirement and college, have an impecable landscaped yard, work out with weights PLUS cardio, eat healthy 5-6 times a day, take care of our family which means homework, playtime, bathtime, read a book, have some downtime, volunteer for church and community, attend church 3 times in a week, and in there somewhere we are supposed to pamper ourselves. GIVE ME A BREAK! I think I just get so overwhelmed with all I should be doing that I choose to do nothing because it's easier!
oh well...
my arms hurt today. They hurt to the point I can't staighten them out... gym ought to be pretty interesting today! LOL! But oh well, one year from now I'll be glad I went through the pain.
Probably just in time for me to get pregnant and balloon out! hahahahha!! Story of my life.
I am excited that tonight is Joy Fellowship at church. Women only, dinner, and fellowship. I can't wait! I really need some girl time. I think Tim is taking T to the library for Dad's night out. Tonight's theme is Bob the Builder meets Tim the tool man! Sounds like fun.
So, what's on everyone's agenda for the day? We're going to study hard (Pam), breath deep (Kristi and Pat) and smile and feel free (Neicy) and we're going to love life (me). This is the day that the Lord has made - we're going to rejoice and be glad in it. As much as we are able to!

oh my oh my oh my. I started a new kick butt work out today. I mean hard core free weight training. Oh boy... my arms already hurt... I'm going to need LOTS of ibuprofen tonight! I hope I can raise my arms over my head tomorrow...heck, I hope I can raise them to the keyboard tomorrow!
LOL! Wish me luck!

Good morning.
Friday afternoon I typed this really long message about going to Michael's craft store and all these emotions I had while I was there... blogger died and lost it. I couldn't re-type it, I had carpal tunnel after typing it! haha!
So, my weekend was so uneventful (unlike Ms. Niecybelle)! Her weekend sounded like a blast!
I cleaned Saturday. I went to a pig roast/wedding reception Saturday evening. It was small and intimate and very casual. A guy I work with got married. I took Tucker with me and we had a good time. Tucker was so well behaved! I just kept telling him "you are being so good, I'm so proud of you, keep it up, we're almost done and we can leave". What a doll he was!
Yesterday, my mom came over after church and I cut and colored her hair. That was it. That was my weekend.
AH! My husband did pull a shocker on me! He whispered something to Tucker Saturday morning and then they left. I assumed to get donuts. Well, they were gone, and gone and gone, for like an hour and a half! The donut shop is just around the corner. Well, finally the got home and Tim stood at the garage door with a funny smile on his face and Tucker comes sneaking in w/ something behind his back. WELL! I got flowers, a bear and a card for sweetest day! I didn't even know it was sweetest day!! I was suprised!!! It was so wonderful and made me feel so special!!! Now, you've got to know my hubby, he's not the romantic kind. Really neither of us are very romantic. So for him to remember and to do something so sweet was really a true gesture of appreciation and love. It made my day!!! :-)

I haven't wanted a cigarette so bad in a year! I won't smoke one but I really want one but I won't do it. I've come to far. Besides, who has $4.00 for a pack?
How do you go from the highest of highs on Tuesday morning (from the lowest low Monday night) back to the lowest of lows on Thursday morning and it keeps getting worse.
My son comes home today, I get his papers out of his bookbag and there it is... my instant heart attack. He has been suspended from the bus for one day. Okay, yes it's just the bus not school but for PETES sake he's FIVE hello?!?!?! My husband called the principal. Now we are the parents that if you get in trouble at school you get in trouble at home too. Why we were so mad is the suspension is for tomorrow... we got one days notice for an incident we knew nothing about! The incident happend on OCTOBER 12th!! TWO WEEKS AGO! Why didn't I know about this? The principal- says oh my mistake. I let that slip, sorry. So, he hit a kid on the bus, then laid down in the seat and refused to listen to the bus driver. First incident. Does that deserve a suspension or is it that she knows he has trouble in class with kissing the girls and listening and sitting still so she lumped it all together and decided he needed to be suspended? Then she had a meeting with Tucker regarding the incident... can they do that w/o the parents knowing?! Tim told her that she IS NOT under any circumstance to meet with our child over discplinary issues unless one of us is present.
Tucker did get in trouble, he got whipped, he got sent to his room, he had to write his name 20 times, no playtime for tonight except for in bath for 20 minutes. And tell me what a 5 year old learns from not riding the bus? It means he gets to spend morning time with mom and he doesn't have to go to that dreadful daycare that morning. GREAT! So I am getting punished because I have to use leave from work to do this.
I am so ticked. My husband asked if I wanted to talk to her and I said oh no! I am in full blown hard core PMS I'll have him expelled by the time I get done with her.
And the whole job thing is turning out NOT to be what they had exactly said in the office Tuesday morning. Things are already getting changed around but that's a story for another day when I can do it w/o crying.
My husband is a complete jerk. I ask him for space, I say I can't talk about it right now and he can't take that. He has to keep asking and talking about it until I freak out and blow up and I'm shaking so bad I can't see straight. He's a selfish bastard. It's always about what he wants, when he wants. Well I'm over it! Wed night I blew up and yelled and later that night he said I shouldn't have yelled! COMING FROM THE MAN WHO SPITS SKOAL EVERYWHERE BECAUSE HE YELLS SO LOUD! I asked him when is it my turn to vent,when do I quit being your friend so you can be mine for a minute? When do you get to listen to me yell so that I can feel better. He says your are absolutely right - then tonight he can't shut his piehole until he has me pissed off. I'm not expecting comments to this post... I just had to yell and scream at someone since he won't let me! I am so ready to wash my hands of it all. Just walk away - leave him and Tucker here to self destruct w/o me.
Screw it all. Man, where's a Marlboro light 100 and a shot of tequila when you want one?
No, instead of that I'll go pray and ask the Great comforter to comfort me (and no not southern comfort - I mean God). gee - I crack myself up!
He will give me that peace, through his stripes I am annoited and healed. Tomorrow is a new day and a new mood.

Oh my God!! What is wrong with the men in our world today Lord??!?! They are being attacked by the enemy and it's becoming almost okay and expectable!! This is an excerpt from an interview with a priest who molested congressman Foley "I wish him well," Mercieca said. "Let bygones be bygones. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!??!?! Hey kid - I ruined your life and you believe you are gay because of what I PERSONALLY did to you but hey - let it go don't be angry! OMG!!!!!!!! I am so freaking out. Men are kidnapping our children, priests are taking advantage of our innocent, now our very own lawmakers are abusing our children!!! It's everywhere everday. And now these people are even fessing up to it like it's no big deal! I can't stand it. Where are the world's eyes and hearts?! Do they not see what is going on? The enemy has attacked our husbands and our fathers. They are cheating on their wives, surfing porn, they are cheating on taxes, they are hurting our babies sexually and physically and emotionally, they are leading our nation into hell! The enemy is winning the battle over our husbands. Women together we need to pray and I mean laying on our faces in the floor before God praying and call out our men by name we need to pray for all the men in our nation! This is ridiculous!
My heart is aching and breaking over this. This is just madness absolute madness! We are God's women, we are strong, we are able, and we are here to lift up and be our spouses' helpmates. I praise God for our strong husbands and for my loyal husband. I am interceding on the behalf of all the men out there who have so lost their way. The ones that get caught everyday (I'm talking college students, and high school teachers, preachers) for going to meet a supposed 14 yr old for sex that they met on the net. I stand right now, and I say I am interceding! God use me!

It's 8:16 am. Its dark outside. I've had my oatmeal. I've had my coffee. I'm tired. I'm grouchy. Any questions?
Didn't think so!

Good morning (yaaawwwnn) here, coffee just finished, want some? Isn't it great that its Wednesday? We're half way through. It's supposed to be 65 and no rain today. I'm over rain. I need some sunshine.
My leg is feeling great, I haven't had any pain (did I tell you about that)? I had a very suspicious mole removed that has grown and changed in the past two years.
We're going on a field trip tonight to a pumpkin farm. The Royal Rangers and the Missionettes and the teachers. Tucker and I are really excited. We've been here before and it's alot of fun. Hayride, petting zoo, corn maze, apple cider and a story. FUN!
Last night, my hubby and I danced in the living room I started just joking but we kept holding each other closer and tighter, a little closer, a little tighter, until we were snuggled into each other and swaying together to when a man loves a woman. AAaahhhh, what peace. We haven't done that in years! It was wonderful. He took us to dinner to my favorite mexican resturant. Then took us to rent movies. I rented Click, I won't get to watch it until Thursday evening. I can't wait - 1 more month and all our evenings can be this good! I don't care about the going out - I live for the moments of being together....dancing in the living room, being in love, feeling the warmth and the strength of the one person in the whole world who has promised God to love me and take care of me forever. Why can't it be like this all the time?! LOL - I know it's this darn thing called life that keeps getting in the way. Oh well, I am going to bask in the glory of it every minute that I can. My hubby even got up this morning and made me coffee! That's something that even I don't do for myself through the week because of time shortage. He's awesome (yes in a week or two I'm sure I'll be out saying what a poopbutt he is)! LOL! Again... that annoying thing called life!
Welp ,not that I've had several cups of coffee this morning I must go pee! Yep, you'll have a great day now knowing that! hehehe!! It is my prayer for you all that God will richly bless you today with whatever your need may be!

Oh my gosh... Oh my gosh!!!! I couldn't get out here fast enough!! You guys are never going to believe it!! GOD IS GOOD - miracles do happen!!!!
I am so excited I don't even know where to begin...
Well... last night Tim told me he was going to stay at the Sheriff Office, that he didn't sleep all day for feeling like he made a bad decision, so I of course said I just wanted him to be happy, I did however feel like I am on a roller coaster... (I hate roller coasters) I have been so faithful in prayer I haven't gotten upset I just keep saying Lord I trust you... this is soooo very out of character for me, I am hot tempered, spoiled, I stomp my feet cry and whine until I get my way...but this time I had peace, the peace that comes from God. Wwweelllllllll, this morning my husband calls me on his way back to the S.O. he says he's going to quit, he misses his family and that he hasn't seen his dad in months and that he just needs to be with his family. So... again... back up on the roller coaster! I don't think I can handle anymore were my thoughts...Weeeelllll, then he calls me this morning- GET THIS... Maj and Lt called Tim in the office... they don't want him to leave, they knew he didn't want to leave, they knew he was doing it for his family, so they (here is the miracle) they offered him FIRST shift with SUNDAY and MONDAY off!!! Now listen ya'll, he is low man of the totem poll, he has no seniority, he has no right to be there, we were looking at 14 YEARS before he got to first shift! But they have worked it so that it was their (admin) decision, and he can't be bumped. Ya'll I am telling you - this is the LORDS work! There is no doubt whatsoever. Tim said "Holli, I was sitting there watching the Lord work in these men, I was watching Gods hand work!" PRAISE GOD!! Tim and I are both just freaking out, praising and praying and jumping and crying, we just are in disbelief!! Is God good or what?!
I just told Tim Sunday night, that God had spoke to me, and that he said to have Tim stay of the S.O. and to trust Him. And look - I trusted Him and he has worked it out!! PRAISE GOD!!!! Thank you for your prayers, thank you for listening... I just can't sit still this is amazing!!!
MIRACLES ARE REAL!!!!!!!!!!!

Well hello! So, what started out to be just a regular Monday morning has turned out to be a...well.... I don't know what you'd call it really. My husband called me on my way to work, when he got off work. He said, well, I put in my two weeks notice! I was SHOCKED! I was sure he was staying in law enforcement. I am so nervous for him that I can't even been excited about it. I am so afraid of the decision he's made - I'm so afraid he's going to blame me for it in two years when he's tired of sitting behind a desk. I'm freaking out here. I am thrilled at the thought of having him home! Every night, going to church every Sunday, being involved in church together, DATE NIGHT, being at every practice and game. WOW! It's going to be just like I dreamed, I hope. My heart is racing it really is! I am so afraid that it's not the right choice. I did try to be as supportive as I could be. I got angry a few times but this last 2 weeks, I've been very supportive and told him to work whatever shift he needed, that Tucker and I would fine, that it would all work out. I am shocked that he took this other job. I am grateful to have a husband who knows how important family is, who can look back over the past couple of years and see how hard they've been and he can look back and see that what's important is being there for his family. WOW - God has blessed us, God is so good! God has thoroughly changed us! I just don't know what to say...
I am feeling better, thank goodness for antibiotics. I feel like a new me.
Saturday was a great day, I spent it with an old friend from school. Actually we hated each other in school! Funny. Our boyfriends ended up being friends and we met again in our early 20s. She was my party buddy, we did some WILD WILD stuff together. We sang Janice Joplin into the wee hours of the morning until we had no voice left and then we'd dance to the Dead till the sun came up all while balancing a Yagermeister bottle on our heads! Funny how different my life is now. Her's - not so different, mine, way different thanks be to God! Those times were fun, however, all the drama that comes with it SO not fun. The peace and joy that I have in my life now... completes me. Anywhoooo, we sat in her kitchen and talked ALL day, we were supposed to go to a street fair but we couldn't stop talking long enough to get up and go. It was so fun. Yesterday, church, got caught up on laundry. Tucker and I hung out and laid around all day. What a nice way to end the weekend! And for you Pam... this blog goes to show that God is working and can soften the heart and mind of even the most stubborn of men! Remain faithful!

It's Friday - supposed to be a happy day... I'm sick - I give up - I'm going to the Dr. I feel like I have bronchitis again...
It's cold outside but I am grateful I don't live in New York w/ two feet of snow.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. I believe I will spend mine on the couch recouping as much as an active 5 yr old boy will let me.
Hope you all have a good one.

GoooooooD Mooooooorning Bloggers (in my best Robin Williams voice)!
Aren't we all so happy to be out of bed and on our way to work! :-)
Isn't it just a lovely day!!! YES! I am full of crap! It's a miserable 32 degrees outside, it was warm in my bed, and I finally slept and NO nobody in their right mind would rather be at work (unless work is at home)! So how are ya' this morning? I'm sipping my coffee, okay, I'm chugging my coffee, I'm wearing like 4 layers of clothes my office is freezing but it is Thurs. We are so close I can smell the weekend!
I taught my class last night - it's called missionettes. I have the Daisies. It's kind of like a christian girl scouts. Broke out into age groups. I have the Kindergarten and first graders. I love it! The boys are called Royal Rangers. Tucker has a blast. They had a cook out the other night and he cooked pizza over the fire and earned his cooking badge. Well, I teach the first two Wednesday's of the month. I do the bookwork part of it. Then the last two Wed. someone else does a craft and a cooking project. I'm not very crafty especially with 5 5 year olds! I'm pretty firm so I am in my best environment reading them stories and doing a little activity page and teaching them their bible verse and I always add sign language to it. It's really been a ton of fun. We have a snack time and at the end I let them play a game or I make up a game that has to do with our lesson for the month. Pretty fun! I never in a million years thought I'd ever enjoy teaching young kids anything but actually I really get a kick out of the girls. And let me tell you - they are a hoot! They are bigger pigs then 5 yr old boys ever thought of being and they talk ALL THE TIME. They don't stop! I will never get on Tucker again for talking to much! LOL!!! OH! And yesterday Tucker got a purple card (that means he did something great) and he got smarties (candy) from the office and I took him to get a slushie as soon as he got home for a reward! I told him if he got a purple everyday I would take him to get a slushie everyday! Let's hope he works really hard it!
Well I hope you all have a fabulous day! I know I will because my Lord and Savior is my rock and He is just and there is nothing but goodness in Him!

Oh I'm so tired!!! I haven't slept in two days. This decongestant I am on wow - I'm up all night long. Today, I am going to suffer with stuffiness. I need to sleep tonight. The good thing is I have no appetite! They oughta make this stuff a diet pill instead!
Yesterday a friend of mine here at work and her friend went to the park to pray. It was beautiful. Water, gorgeous colors, quiet, ducks floating, a very slight breeze...man we were surrounded by God's good works! We prayed and we prayed and we prayed. These girls know how to pray now! I've been having a really tough time lately. My 5 yr old is getting in trouble DAILY. For hitting, or kissing, or kicking. He just can not keep his hands to hisself. The teacher has him on a daily behavior chart and if he gets 7 out of 9 smiley faces he gets a sticker for the day and I let him eat breakfast at school rather than at home (that's what he asked for). Well, the bus driver calls me over and tells me how he's kissing all the girls, his teacher at church laughs and says boy he sure likes the girls, he's always kissing them. OOOHHHHH it's driving me crazy!!! I even made up a song to sing EVERY morning about keeping our hands to ourself! It's just out of control. Then of course my stinkin' husband won't make a decision about what he's going to do job wise. It's really really really got me stressed out! Like I'm hanging on everyday waiting for his decision and he says we'll talk about it, then we just say the same things, he says I don't know what to do, and I say you know what I want, I want you to work 1st shift, but you have to do what makes you happy. What is going to make you happy... and he says I don't know!! I swear I'm going to hang the men in my house! Well Monday night, I really lost control of my temper with Tucker, I wasn't feeling well, I had done alot of work that day around the house, he was whining and fighting with me about everything, that's the day the bus driver told me about the kissing which I walked away from crying... and I snapped! I said some horrible things and I felt terrible! I pray that his young little mind forgets what I said! So yesterday afternoon my friend picked me up from my slump and said I know you don't feel like praying but you've got to armor up in this battle so come on! And I thank her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did feel better! I do feel stonger! And I have to trust that God has me exactly where He wants me in life. I trust you GOD! I trust you GOD! Thank you GOD!
So last night, Tucker gets off the bus and the driver tells me - he kicked a little girl in the face! Now don't get me wrong... he really is a good little boy. He's tons of fun, I don't know what makes him do these things! He sounds horrible out here but he really isn't. (but sometimes I feel like he is)... does that make sense? Anyways... I said that's it... grabbed the family and we went out to dinner and had light conversation about nothing in general and just enjoyed each others company (it's been months and months since we've been out). When we got home all the kids were out and we sat out with all the other parents and watched all the kids ride bikes. So the night ended peacefully - thanks to the good Lord!
I guess we all have our trials, we'll all buck up and make it through them, I guess it's just a matter of whether we do it kicking and screaming or just go with the flow!
ERRRR!!!!

Oh I'm so tired!!! I haven't slept in two days. This decongestant I am on wow - I'm up all night long. Today, I am going to suffer with stuffiness. I need to sleep tonight. The good thing is I have no appetite! They oughta make this stuff a diet pill instead!
Yesterday a friend of mine here at work and her friend went to the park to pray. It was beautiful. Water, gorgeous colors, quiet, ducks floating, a very slight breeze...man we were surrounded by God's good works! We prayed and we prayed and we prayed. These girls know how to pray now! I've been having a really tough time lately. My 5 yr old is getting in trouble DAILY. For hitting, or kissing, or kicking. He just can not keep his hands to hisself. The teacher has him on a daily behavior chart and if he gets 7 out of 9 smiley faces he gets a sticker for the day and I let him eat breakfast at school rather than at home (that's what he asked for). Well, the bus driver calls me over and tells me how he's kissing all the girls, his teacher at church laughs and says boy he sure likes the girls, he's always kissing them. OOOHHHHH it's driving me crazy!!! I even made up a song to sing EVERY morning about keeping our hands to ourself! It's just out of control. Then of course my stinkin' husband won't make a decision about what he's going to do job wise. It's really really really got me stressed out! Like I'm hanging on everyday waiting for his decision and he says we'll talk about it, then we just say the same things, he says I don't know what to do, and I say you know what I want, I want you to work 1st shift, but you have to do what makes you happy. What is going to make you happy... and he says I don't know!! I swear I'm going to hang the men in my house! Well Monday night, I really lost control of my temper with Tucker, I wasn't feeling well, I had done alot of work that day around the house, he was whining and fighting with me about everything, that's the day the bus driver told me about the kissing which I walked away from crying... and I snapped! I said some horrible things and I felt terrible! I pray that his young little mind forgets what I said! So yesterday afternoon my friend picked me up from my slump and said I know you don't feel like praying but you've got to armor up in this battle so come on! And I thank her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did feel better! I do feel stonger! And I have to trust that God has me exactly where He wants me in life. I trust you GOD! I trust you GOD! Thank you GOD!
So last night, Tucker gets off the bus and the driver tells me - he kicked a little girl in the face! Now don't get me wrong... he really is a good little boy. He's tons of fun, I don't know what makes him do these things! He sounds horrible out here but he really isn't. (but sometimes I feel like he is)... does that make sense? Anyways... I said that's it... grabbed the family and we went out to dinner and had light conversation about nothing in general and just enjoyed each others company (it's been months and months since we've been out). When we got home all the kids were out and we sat out with all the other parents and watched all the kids ride bikes. So the night ended peacefully - thanks to the good Lord!
I guess we all have our trials, we'll all buck up and make it through them, I guess it's just a matter of whether we do it kicking and screaming or just go with the flow!
ERRRR!!!!

Today is a holiday. No work and my kid is in school, my hubby is in bed (works 3rd shift) and I have the day all to myself. Just what every mother dreams of! And you know what... I'M BORED! I don't know what to do with out my kid around. He's always here and I'm always doing something. I could do some scrapbooking but that would take concentration which I have none of today. I'm taking a decongestant and my mind is racing and my heart is racing and my nose is so dry its like a desert! LOL!
I want to give Kris a shout out HOLLA (Ellen style) thanks a ton for helping stain the deck Sat. Thanks for taking Tucker for a couple of hours! He hasn't stopped talking about it since!
I do hope you all had great weekends - I pray that you all found peace and relaxation.

Here is some inspiration for my blogger friends who are all going through so much right now:

His eye is on the sparrow
the mountains, and the sea
His gaze transcends the heavens,
yet he watches little me.

By God's power you are being guarded 1 Peter 1:5

Trust God (as I have to tell myself everyday). Quit praying for this to happen and that to happen and just pray God I trust you totally, where You lead me I will follow.
I am praying for you all!

Good Thursday morning everyone. Today is a great day (because we're only one day away from Friday). I woke up thinking it was Friday boy that makes it hard.
Tucker won his soccer game last night, 13-4. YEAH. He really doesn't even care...lol. He just wants to run around. He played goalie again so we had to keep yelling at him to stand up. Tim is such a good daddy, he never misses a game! I am blessed to have found him. I was artificially inseminated with Tucker. I picked the donor out from a bank out of VA. The doc gave me a list about 4 pages long of donors. Then I went out to the internet and started shopping. Literally. It all sounds so hysterical now. His donor was my 3rd choice. They were sold out of the 1st two (really I am not kidding)! I was looking for athletic and this guy played baseball and football and was in college to be a history teacher. He's 5' 9", blond hair, green eyes (I really was hoping for green eyes but T has brown). On the internet you can buy the health history dating back to grandparents maternal and paternal. Health on all siblings and what they all do for livings. He never had or needed braces (and neither have I and Tucker's teeth are beautiful so far). Anyways, I wanted to have a kid before I was 30 and my life at the time was weird. (that's a story for another day). Anywhooos- Tucker was abouut 20 months old when I met Tim. I had sworn I would never marry or date ever again. And along comes this guy who just will not leave me alone... lol! He was different from anyone else I'd dated. I always liked musicians and hippies. Here is the marine looking korean/american. Good looking guy very clean and straight. WOW - did guys like this really exist?! So - I went out with him. The very first time I took Tucker to Tim's house - I knew what my fate was. Tucker walked in like he owned the place strut and all. Walked into the living room, to the couch and climbed up beside this man he'd never seen before, sat down RIGHT beside Tim put his hand on Tim's lap and there they sat and watched TV. Tim put his arm around him and they were buds from the very first second they met. I guess I have to believe in love at first site now that I've witnessed it.
I think Tim and I forget sometimes that he's not Tucker's biological dad. People say all the time, wow he looks like his dad... which scarily enough he does. It cracks us up seeing as my hubby is part korean! But he's always been there for Tucker. He disciplines him with love and firmness, he plays and wrestles, he helps with "homework" and he gives baths, and he lets him drive the mower, and he takes him places and just does all the awesome dad stuff. I am truly blessed to have this man in my life for my child. He is good to us.
Well, I had planned on coming out here to tell you all about my class I teach but I went off on a whole other direction... oh well... I'll share that for tomorrow I guess.
Have a festive Thursday. I'm sure we can all find some reason in our lives to celebrate!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Good friends are like butt cheeks
crap might seperate them
but they always come back together!

So - love to all my butt cheeks out there!

So, I've been keeping this food journal. (yes here I go on the diet convo).
I've kept journals before but I only wrote down what I sat down and ate. It's amazing how easy it is to lie to yourself. I never wrote down when I popped a couple of pieces of hard candy. WEEELLLLLL, this time I'm being honest. I'm also writing some additional info. Like at 9:30 today and a girl was toasting toast (does that make any sense?) I wrote in there that it smelled really good and was making me hungry but I could not would not eat right then. I had already had breakfast and was going to have my snack in an hour. I have come to realize that calories add up-FAST! I've also realized that I have a hard time transitioning from high gear to low gear. Once I get home and I run run run picking up and putting things away and going thru mail and getting it in its appropriate places then I go to sit on the couch , I feel weird. I can't just sit there... and when a commercial comes on, I get up... I pace around the house looking for something. It's weird! So, I realized from my journal thats when I eat. I walk to the kitchen grab a can of nuts eat them until the next commercial, get up, get something to drink, and on it goes. Well gee no wonder I weigh 175 lbs! So, today I put cheetos into a 1 cup measuring cup. That's all I allowed myself. When I got bored and paced I made myself come in here and check email, then the next time I grabbed a pack of photos and sorted them. And no, I'm blogging... I pray I can continue to learn about myself and my eating patterns this way. It has been good for me. I've been totally honest and see that 2:30 everyday is my bad period... so I now eat an apple everyday at 2:30 and if it's PMS week, I take peanut butter to have with it. That curbs my sweet craving. If anyone has any NOT DIET but lifestyle tips... let me know! Please don't be stingy and keep the good secrets to yourself.
My friend does think that I maybe going thru early menopause (I'm 34). I have night sweats all the time BAD! I have had hot flashes since I was 18, I'm moody. Last night I was uploading some photos and I broke out in a sweat and I mean I was hot RIGHT NOW. SO, I decided I'd take my temp to see if it was real or in my head. It was 99.6! Now, I have always had a 95.8 temp normally... very low. So it's rare that I run fevers when I'm ill. I'm not ill and as soon as the sweat went away (about 20 min) I took my temp again... it was down to 97.7. Go figure! I think I may have some thyroid type probs or something. Anyone got any similiar stories or thoughts?!

My little goalie! Keeping it safe!
My so boring life... (but it works for me). I made an awesome pot of chili for supper. OH! Tucker scared the life out of me. He was outside playing and I live in a very quiet neighborhood full of cul-de-sacs. There are no thru roads. I let him play outside by himself and I go out about every 10 minutes to check on him. Well, I went out once and there was a new boy there so I asked his name and introduced myself and asked where he lived (just making convo). Well about an hour later I walk to the corner to Tucker's friends house and the mom says he's not here. I said what do you mean?! Well, Spencer finally spills the beans (now that I'm near hysterics) that Tucker went into some boys house! So, Spencer thankfully knows where this kid lives and was going to take me there (I was so livid I was going to kill the kid). So, we start heading down the street and here he comes with the little boy. I started screaming (like the crazy mother I am) WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? ARE YOU ALLOWED ON THIS STREET? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I WAS SCARED TO DEATH - I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD SOMEWHERE!! He looked up at me (knowing he had deliberately disobeyed) and tried to give me a sweet smile. So didn't work this time! I told him he's grounded the rest of the week he's not allowed to play w/ any of his friends. Then his dad and I discussed yet again, why I was so scared and how that boys parents could be crazy and hurt him and how he could get hit by a car on the main street and blah blah blah... I honestly don't think he'll do it again.
So... then... Tucker had a soccer game and we went to that. He played goalie for the first time and was awesome at it! He loved it - he dove on the ball and for the ball and did a great job! What a cutie! He was so very proud of himself! And I got to spend some time with my hubby too. Turned out to be a good night...
Now I guess I should get to work... BLAH!

So, I had an awesome time w/ Kris Saturday. It was such a wonderful time to let the kids play and just chat girl talk for hours! It's been so long since I've done that.
Sunday, church was awesome. Do you ever those times where you feel like the whole sermon, preacher, church, is directed to you? Welp, that's how sunday was. I did become a full fledged member too. It's pretty exciting. Tim told me to wake him up about 6pm so we could talk. So, I did. Finally about 8 I said are we going to talk or what? He said he wasn't going to take the courthouse security position and I said I already knew that. He keeps asking me what I want him to do and what should he do. I can't answer that. He knows what I want, I want him to get out of law enforcement all together take this first shift job and be happy! I don't think that's going to happen.
So, this morning he said, maybe we can compromise and he stay on 3rd shift. He hates it and I'm not exactly crazy about it but that way we both get what we want. He has been told he can have 3 months of 1st shift on the road. He's not sure he wants to do that and then get bumped again and go back to 3rd. I say go for it! 3 months is better than no months and then he can get caught up on some sleep and routine, we can Christmas shop together and such.
I just have to trust God that he's going to work this out. He's going to carry me through and no matter what the outcome that it's His will!
I can't wait till next Monday... it's a holiday and Tucker still has school... YEAH!
I haven't been with my husband in weeks! OH MY GOSH - a 30 something year old woman shouldn't have to go without for weeks! LOL!!!! I may have to call in tomorrow (it's his day off).
Hope you all have a wonderful week - happy Monday!